I recently read somewhere that some people think it’s a good idea to “write your blog like nobody’s reading.” Which, of course, is a sentiment akin to “dance like nobody’s watching.” It’s also very similar to my own personal credos of “steal sweaters from The Gap like nobody’s videotaping,” and “gorge yourself on funnel cakes like nobody’s going to call you a fatass carnival skank afterwards.” Ah, philosophy.
So with that idea in mind, today I’ve decided to write down a few things I’ve been keeping under wraps. Things that may be shocking, alarming or just downright disgusting. But that’s OK. After all, nobody’s reading this anyway.
1. When I was 17, I threw up in a department store dressing room, then told the manager the stock boy did it.
2. I once stole office supplies from a temp job and later sold them at my neighborhood yard sale for quite a tidy profit.
3. Although I repeatedly told Jessica Tomkins that I wasn’t the one who started the vicious junior high school rumor that she went bra and underwear shopping with our PE teacher, I really was the one who started that vicious junior high school rumor.
4. I have an ongoing fantasy about winning the Powerball lottery and buying Johnny Depp.
5. Sometimes I call my cat “Margaret Thatcher,” even though I don’t think she’s British and she probably has no political experience.
6. Whenever I feel nauseous and want to make myself throw up, I imagine having to do a three-way with Billy Mays and the ShamWow guy.
7. Last year I told my kids that the Department of Health closed down all of the Chuck E. Cheeses in Austin and they won’t open back up until all the snakes are gone.
8. When I worked in advertising, I used to send fake, obnoxious e-mails about N’SYNC from my co-workers’ computers when they were away from their desks. Then I blamed it on the IT guy.
9. Last week I told my neighbor that I can’t watch her dog because I’m allergic to it, but really I just hate her dog because it’s a rabid leg humper with weird demon eyes.
10. Sometimes I cry when I watch Tom Cruise’s new movies because I’m sad he’s no longer a sweet, naive boy who only wants to fly fighter jets and hang out with Goose. Oh, Maverick. Where have you gone, my friend?
So that’s it. Man, it feels good to get all of that finally out into the open. Cathartic! And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed to the kitchen to get a drink and a snack. And then I think I might spend spend the rest of the day “cooking like nobody’s going to get food poisoning.”
OMG I will be laughing at #8 all day! Thanks for that!!!!!!
It feels good to let your hair down once in a while doesn’t it?
I just messed with my blog “like it’s protected by magic.” It didn’t work out so well.
I don’t think anyone really writes like no one is reading–even if no one is reading (as in my case 😉 Funny stuff. btw: I saw you eat those funnel cakes-but kept allnasty comments to myself. Just kidding (obviously) Hey, I didn’t know Johnny Depp was for sale… maybe I’ll start playing powerball too.
I knew there was some secret force pushing me to by those powerball tickets today! I’m quite relieved to now know the source, and cautiously optomistic about my chances of winning!
I am definitely going to use #7 on my kids.
That was the funniest thing I’ve read all week!
in my mind’s eye, you still have vommit spittle in the corners of your mouth when you tell the manager the stock boy did it.
Johnny Depp is for sale? I’m going to break open the ole piggy bank right now? How many pennies do you think I’ll need?
Is Val Kilmer for sale? I mean, the Top Gun Kilmer and not the New Mexico fat guy Kilmer.?
I loved this. Particularly since I’ve always hated that dance like nobody’s watching saying. Not sure if this has anything to do with the fact that I hate cutesy e-mail footers, but there may be a correlation there…
Chuck E. Cheese – Where a kid can collect their tickets and choose – staph, strep, & e-coli diseases from the prize counter.
Chuck E. Cheese. Boy, I should have thought of that one when the girls are younger. If I win the Powerball, can I buy Christian Bale do you think?
If I told Luke that C.E.C. had snakes, he would want to go even more. The other day a cat brought a present (snake) into the house and he picked it up and said…Look Mom, a snake! And it was still alive!!!!
I heart Wendi Aarons. Lucky for me, someone is reading! At least someone’s reading YOUR work.
Hugs,
Lady Steele
RIGHT ON! #6 rules … oh, and if you do find yourself in a 3-way, make sure they pay up. Surely they are LOADED!
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the one about Chuck E Cheese. I’m a firm believer in lying to children. I mean that!
Your new blog is so nice and fancy.
Wendi, you bitch. I knew it was you all along. Did you think I would never find out? Thanks for ruining my life.
Love,
Jessica Tomkins
You’ll be relieved to hear that I resisted the urge to “ignore my blogroll like nobody’s using it.” Spanky new digs you have here, Wendi, with no evidence of spaghetti being tossed on the walls in frustration. Congratulations … and great post.
On a similar note, I’ve moved too. My blog’s now here: http://coopergreen.blogspot.com
Cheers,
– Cooper
Bloggin IS catartic ain’t it? I love #6. I need to try that. I’m SURE it’ll work.
I wish I would have done #2 at my work study job.
If my mom did #7 to me and revealed it today, I think I would cry.
Why do you call your cat Margaret Thatcher? Does he/she perhaps regularly crap all over the working class?
I’m strangely curious about the details behind #1. Why did you throw up in the changing room? OH! Did you see me in there, trying on bikinis? 😉
i so miss the young tom cruise… when he was hot and awesome. Now he’s so old and weird.
Just sounds like really bad advice. Imagine all the trouble I could get into if I wrote my blog like no one was reading. Actually when I first started my blog, it was exactly like that.
And ridiculously boring.
i KNEW it!!!
Good concept, one I try to keep in mind whenever I hit the “post” button.
The possibilities of such a list are horrifying and exhilarating in equal measure.
I wanted to throw up when I found an article detailing the “Sham wow guy’s” recent bust with a prostitute. Apparently she tried to bite his tongue off, so he punched her repeatedly in the head.
*shudders*
sending emails from a coworkers computer. GENIUS. I can’t believe I haven’t thought of this. Can’t talk now must go send emails with links to vibrator.com to boss from girl I hate!
There’s a reason I can write my blog as if no one’s reading it…I’ll let you figure it out.
If you do end up buying Johnny Depp please give him a shower.
6. Whenever I feel nauseous and want to make myself throw up, I imagine having to do a three-way with Billy Mays and the ShamWow guy.
Does this make you vomit or stop you from vomitting? My readership rests on your reply.
You’re bad!
If I wrote like no one was reading, someone WOULD read … and I’d be arrested shortly thereafter.
Still, I’d like to try this one day. 😉
I have been inspired to teach like no one is watching. I’m thinking vodka drips, tasers, and duct tape.
Oh Johnny… oh Johnny…
what makes me love you so!
You’re not handsome it’s true
but when I look at you-
I think
Oh
Johnny!
Oh Johnny!
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh!!
**shimmies**
Do you think if I wrote like my mother-in-law was not reading, she’d stop calling me?
I’m totally telling Tim Spengler
(wait, was that his name??)
Well, I hardly have any readers, so I’m apparently all set.
BTW, I’ve printed this out because you’ve given me some fabulous ideas. Except I c’m crossing out the Billy Mays and ShamWow guy one… Ack.
God, your very first confession reminded me of the time I bumped into a store display and a couple glass jars of nacho dip broke all over aisle 3. I told a clerk that “some lady over there” did it.
Signed,
Some Lady
You may write like no one is reading it but the audience is there, and deservedly so. You are a talented writer. I’m just sorry you aren’t a nicer person. I just received your P&G period letter in an email and had to investigate to see if it was a legitimate letter. That’s how I arrived at your blog. I realize that blog/letter is two years old, but it’s new to me so I have to say that I am so tired of women whining about their periods and then eventually their hot flashes. Dealing with the periods, and now the menopause, was well worth it to be able to experience pregancies and the births of my sons. And frankly, our great-great-grandmothers probably wrapped rags around their bottoms and then went back out to work in the fields.
I did enjoy your true confessions on this recent blog. You remind me of a contemporary Erma Bombeck–entertaining. I only hope you’re kidding about the stealing, from Gap or your employer.
I used like to drop a poot and walk away leaving someone else to walk into it.
I’m worried about you. You seem to throw up a lot.
GO JOHNNY DEPP!
I’m done…
You killed Billy Mays!!!!!!
#5 made me laugh til I cried. Thanks!
I recently reread the “Always” letter and was reminded of how funny you are. This just tops it as well. I will be back many, many times.
So, I have one for you.
When I was 9, I peed on the carpet in our living room, and blamed it on the cat.
Good to know I’m not the only crazy one.
http://confessions-of-a-waitress.blogspot.com/