I recently read somewhere that some people think it’s a good idea to “write your blog like nobody’s reading.” Which, of course, is a sentiment akin to “dance like nobody’s watching.” It’s also very similar to my own personal credos of “steal sweaters from The Gap like nobody’s videotaping,” and “gorge yourself on funnel cakes like nobody’s going to call you a fatass carnival skank afterwards.” Ah, philosophy.
So with that idea in mind, today I’ve decided to write down a few things I’ve been keeping under wraps. Things that may be shocking, alarming or just downright disgusting. But that’s OK. After all, nobody’s reading this anyway.
1. When I was 17, I threw up in a department store dressing room, then told the manager the stock boy did it.
2. I once stole office supplies from a temp job and later sold them at my neighborhood yard sale for quite a tidy profit.
3. Although I repeatedly told Jessica Tomkins that I wasn’t the one who started the vicious junior high school rumor that she went bra and underwear shopping with our PE teacher, I really was the one who started that vicious junior high school rumor.
4. I have an ongoing fantasy about winning the Powerball lottery and buying Johnny Depp.
5. Sometimes I call my cat “Margaret Thatcher,” even though I don’t think she’s British and she probably has no political experience.
6. Whenever I feel nauseous and want to make myself throw up, I imagine having to do a three-way with Billy Mays and the ShamWow guy.
7. Last year I told my kids that the Department of Health closed down all of the Chuck E. Cheeses in Austin and they won’t open back up until all the snakes are gone.
8. When I worked in advertising, I used to send fake, obnoxious e-mails about N’SYNC from my co-workers’ computers when they were away from their desks. Then I blamed it on the IT guy.
9. Last week I told my neighbor that I can’t watch her dog because I’m allergic to it, but really I just hate her dog because it’s a rabid leg humper with weird demon eyes.
10. Sometimes I cry when I watch Tom Cruise’s new movies because I’m sad he’s no longer a sweet, naive boy who only wants to fly fighter jets and hang out with Goose. Oh, Maverick. Where have you gone, my friend?
So that’s it. Man, it feels good to get all of that finally out into the open. Cathartic! And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed to the kitchen to get a drink and a snack. And then I think I might spend spend the rest of the day “cooking like nobody’s going to get food poisoning.”