1. First, what kind of suit are you looking for?

a) One-piece

b) Two-piece

c) As many damn pieces as I can possibly cram on and still be buoyant.

2. Which style of swimsuit do you like best?

a) Bikini

b) Tankini

c) 1920’s head-to-toe bathing costume made out of wool-ini

3. What shape best describes your body?

a) A Pear

b) An Apple

c) A value-sized mixed fruit tray from Costco

4. Would you say your bust is:

a) Large

b) Small

c) Something resembling a couple of lazy-ass sock puppets on holiday

5. Your lower body can best be described as:

a) Slim and boyish

b) Curvy and rounded

c) Damn, guuurrllll, you sure got you a Badonka Donka Donk.

6. What type of swimwear coverage do you prefer?

a) A Little

b) A Lot

c) A Hyberbolic Chamber

7. Do you need tummy control?

a) Does Laverne need Shirley?

8. When trying on swimsuits, do you prefer a dressing room with:

a) A full-length mirror and bright, fluorescent lighting

b) A small, cracked mirror and flickering, feeble candlelight

c) A bottle of Jack, a box of Kleenex and Jenny Craig on speed-dial

9. Which activity do you plan on doing most often in your swimwear?

a) Swimming

b) Laying out

c) Slamming six-packs of wine coolers and thinking evil thoughts about the 21 year-old in a tiny bikini who’s lying right next to me and just so totally flaunting it, the nasty, little wench

10. Finally, how much would you like to pay for your new swimsuit?

a) $30.00

b) $50.00

c) If it makes me look like a size-4, I’ll give you my Volvo, my 401K and my wedding ring, no questions asked.