Summer’s almost here, and if you’re anything like me, you’re always looking for new ways to look like a jackass while having fun in the sun. For example, here are some of last year’s beauty highlights:

Sheen of flop sweat covering entire face? Check.

White legs that resemble undercooked chicken fillets? Check.

Big, floppy hat with the price tag still attached, prompting everyone at the company BBQ to start calling me “Minnie Pearl with a drinking problem”? Check.

Tank top that makes me look like Marlon Brando? Check.

Unpedicured feet so heinous, they make small children cry and run to their mothers for comfort? Check.

Last year’s skirtini from Land’s End that I hate with all of my being because IT DOES NOT PERFORM MIRACLES as promised on the stupid website and instead, makes me look like a discount flotation device with arms? Check.

Second degree burns on the back half of my body caused by sitting on the black leather seats in my hot car, right before I inadvertently taught my children 101 new swear words? Check.

Limp hair that has a lime green tinge because the water in the neighborhood pool has to be 99.9% full of chlorine in order to protect all residents from the danger that is toddler poop? Check.

You get the idea.

But now, now there’s something new that will make you look even MORE like a tool this summer. Yes, ladies, pull out your wallets, gas up the SUV and head on over to your local drugstore to pick up this little baby: a  motorized mosquito repellent machine that you can clip on to your pants while you’re enjoying a nice, romantic walk on the beach or sprawled out on your lawn perusing Cat Fancy magazine. Presenting:

True, you might look like a freakshow when you’re wearing this around the Hamptons party circuit, but, hey, at least you won’t come down with the West Nile Virus. And that’s a good summer memory right there, isn’t it?

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