Make the shocking discovery that it’s never a good idea to use the term “douchebag” in a PTA meeting. Even if the person you’re talking about just so happens to be a really, really big one. Isn’t that right, Angela?
At a party, find out that shaping your hair into a nice, high pompadour while drunkenly screaming, “Look! Look at me! I’m in Big Love, baby! Look! I have compound hair! See it? See it? Now, where my sista wives at? Come on, you bee-yotches! Let’s fight! MY Bill Paxton! MY Bill Paxton! Hahahaha! Rawrrr!”, is actually not something that will make you popular and fun to be around.
During rare visit to the gym, discover that nobody is impressed by a 17-minute mile. Especially when you tell them you sprinted the whole way.
Learn that, even if you tell your husband that tonight’s dinner will be “tender crescents of imported whole-grain pasta smothered in a pool of rich, succulent, sunset-colored baby cheddar and lovingly paired with an organic butter reduction,” he still won’t be happy you’ve made box mac ‘n cheese again.
While watching a DVD, realize that, after one glass of wine, Matthew McConaughey isn’t really such a terrible actor after all. After two glasses of wine, happily take back all of the nasty things you’ve said about him throughout the years. After three glasses of wine, begin to weep over the nuances he’s bringing to the role of a romantic cad with a heart of gold. After four glasses of wine, stand up on the couch and howl, “Mathhhhhewwwwww Mc… Mc… Conorwee!!! I LOVVVVEEEE YEWWWWW!!” After five glasses of wine, rifle through stacks of old US Weeklys and lick pictures of Matthew doing shirtless yoga poses.
Pass out with disc of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days stuck to right cheek and a hand-written note reading “Help Me” stuck to the left.
Saturday & Sunday
Stay in bed recovering from week full of life lessons. While difficult at times, know the experience was worth it. Relax, meditate and promise to be a better person from now on.
Make the shocking discovery that it’s never a good idea to use the term “asswipe” at a PTA meeting. Even if the person you’re talking about just so happens to be a really, really big one. Isn’t that right, Angela?