Kicking Off Summer
May 27th, 2009
Summer’s almost here, and if you’re anything like me, you’re always looking for new ways to look like a jackass while having fun in the sun. For example, here are some of last year’s beauty highlights:
Sheen of flop sweat covering entire face? Check.
White legs that resemble undercooked chicken fillets? Check.
Big, floppy hat with the price tag still attached, prompting everyone at the company BBQ to start calling me “Minnie Pearl with a drinking problem”? Check.
Tank top that makes me look like Marlon Brando? Check.
Unpedicured feet so heinous, they make small children cry and run to their mothers for comfort? Check.
Last year’s skirtini from Land’s End that I hate with all of my being because IT DOES NOT PERFORM MIRACLES as promised on the stupid website and instead, makes me look like a discount flotation device with arms? Check.
Second degree burns on the back half of my body caused by sitting on the black leather seats in my hot car, right before I inadvertently taught my children 101 new swear words? Check.
Limp hair that has a lime green tinge because the water in the neighborhood pool has to be 99.9% full of chlorine in order to protect all residents from the danger that is toddler poop? Check.
You get the idea.
But now, now there’s something new that will make you look even MORE like a tool this summer. Yes, ladies, pull out your wallets, gas up the SUV and head on over to your local drugstore to pick up this little baby: a motorized mosquito repellent machine that you can clip on to your pants while you’re enjoying a nice, romantic walk on the beach or sprawled out on your lawn perusing Cat Fancy magazine. Presenting:
True, you might look like a freakshow when you’re wearing this around the Hamptons party circuit, but, hey, at least you won’t come down with the West Nile Virus. And that’s a good summer memory right there, isn’t it?
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19 Comments
Add your own1. MG @ MommyGeekology.com | May 27th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
That is just amazing. I am so glad you shared. I will be getting one immediately.
2. Judy Larsen | May 27th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Ha! I’m such an over-achiever I’ll wear two (and given the size of my ass, I’ll need two to cover my entire personal space).
Thanks for looking out for us.
3. Marinka | May 27th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I hope it comes in a family pack!
And yay that you’re my leg twin!
4. Coco | May 27th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Very funny. Actually I was planning on getting one for my grandson who is a mosquito magnet.
5. Just Mom | May 27th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Well I couldn’t look any more stupid than I already do sitting in the bleachers at baseball nursing the little flame on the OFF Mosquito coil and trying to direct the smoke over all exposed body parts like some sort of witch doctor. At least the belt clip would free up my hands so I could give the umpire my opinion with more animation.
6. Heather, Queen of Shake Shake | May 28th, 2009 at 6:00 am
OMG, I’m so excited. That clip-on will compliment my fanny pack so well!
7. Erica | May 28th, 2009 at 7:01 am
My husband once told me the only tan line I had was down the crack of my butt(he has such a way with words, thats why I married him) So if I ever got out in the sun I would so have one of these. I may just get one anyway to wear to walmart…
8. Cat | May 28th, 2009 at 7:31 am
This year, I’ve got the “horrifying, post-miscarriage bacne scars that twinkle and flash like a strip joint neon sigh” going on.
That’s always a good way to top off the outfit, don’t you agree?
9. Akilah Sakai | May 28th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Sign me up!
If anyone asks, I’ll tell it has somethig to do with the government so I can feel all spy-like instead of like a tool!
10. ann | May 28th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Hot AND toxic. Su-wheet.
Love your new template. Very clean. I also love “There Not All Gems”
I wish I’d thought of that, as it’s the perfect disclaimer.
I do, however, think yours are mostly gems!
11. sandy | May 28th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Oh, I tried on that skirtini. Lands’ [sic] End can bite me, with their bathing suit lie and their stupid misplaced apostrophe.
12. the mama bird diaries | May 29th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Wow. That really is a whole new level of uncool.
Hey, my google reader recognizes your new site!!! I can’t believe it. yahoo.
13. WA | May 29th, 2009 at 11:45 am
The skirtini is about to come out of the drawer again for the summer. Curse you, Landsss’sss End.
14. Stefanie | May 30th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Loved every word of this post and love the “They’re not all gems.” Which I’d thought of that first. I haven’t laughed out loud in like a week but you broke my streak with the “laying out on your lawn reading Cat Fancy.” Good job.
15. Lisa (jonnysmommy) | May 30th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
That mosquito thing reminds me of the beepers the guys around here have on their belts so if the fire alarm goes off they can rush off toward it with adrenaline pumping and acting like children when it is only french fries burning on the stove. Then, when they realize it is not big deal they head home — no. They don’t. Instead, they stand outside and talk to each other for about an hour longer than necessary, while the road is shut down and they make everyone go around a detour, simply so they can talk about the race and how much beer they drank the night before. Where was I going with this? I don’t remember….
16. Maria Butts | May 30th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
The PTO has asked me to tell you not to come to the next meeting until you get a pedicure. Don’t kill the messenger.
17. Cassie | May 31st, 2009 at 7:58 am
OMG you know, I’ve bought something like that before. Didn’t work. I know. You’re surprised, aren’t you?
18. madmad | June 3rd, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Ooooh! This is EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling (especially about the flotation device bathing suit thing). But as always, you say it better!
19. twochefs | June 15th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
can’t use that in florida dear the mosquitos are so big here they will carry it off to there nest and feed it to there young.
do they have one for lovebugs?
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