(NOTE: If you got this post today in your feed, I have NO idea why because it’s from May. So if you’ve read it before, please ignore. If you haven’t read it before, what took you so long?)
There’s a crime wave running rampant in my neighborhood. Thieves casing joints, robbers skulking about—-basically, a bunch of people just up to no good whatsoever have all become a problem. At least, that’s the impression one gets after reading the e-mails that keep popping up on our subdivision’s Listserv.
The first few messages were to alert residents about the dangers in our local grocery store. Apparently, a couple of women recently left their purses in the front of their shopping carts, wandered away to the next aisle to look at food and then, when they returned, their belongings were gone. Gone! Yes, malfeasance in the meat department. What is this world coming to?
I don’t want to sound unsympathetic, because I know it sucks to lose your wallet and everything, but come on. You have to watch your stuff, no matter where you are. You just do. But maybe I only feel that way because my mother raised me to be incredibly protective and paranoid about my possessions. In fact, I think her three most often uttered words to me aren’t actually “I love you,” but “Watch my purse.” (Just kidding, mom. But it’s pretty darn close.)
Anyway, back to the crime wave: the next few e-mails that went around were from a man who left his wallet in his unlocked car and was then shocked, shocked! when it was stolen. I think his e-mail said “the bad people out there are targeting our neighborhood.” Well, of course they’re targeting our neighborhood, you genius. Because the people who live here leave their wallets in unlocked cars. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, man. At least lock the doors so the robbers have to work up a sweat by trying to throw a rock through your windshield.
After days spent reading these messages, myself and some of my friends—-the other subversives in the subdivision—-finally started to send each other e-mails like this one:
Subject: CITIZEN’S ALERT!
Dear Neighborhood Residents:
Last night, I left $2 million dollars in gold bullion and caviar in my front yard with a 2,000-watt spotlight shining right on it. Also, there was a neon sign flashing the words, “LOOK! AN UNATTENDED $2 MILLION DOLLARS IN GOLD BULLION AND CAVIAR! PLEASE, NO TOUCHING! WE’RE ON THE HONOR SYSTEM AROUND HERE! ALTHOUGH, RIGHT NOW WE’RE SOUND ASLEEP BECAUSE WE JUST HAD A LOT OF BENADRYL AND WHISKEY, SO WE PROBABLY WOULDN’T HEAR YOU IF YOU HAPPENED TO LOAD IT UP IN YOUR TRUCK AND SPEED IT AWAY TO YOUR SECRET LAIR!!! BUT PLEASE, DON’T DO WHAT I JUST SUGGESTED RIGHT THEN, OK? THAT PART ABOUT THE LOADING IT UP? THANX!!!”
And believe it or not, fellow residents, this morning when I woke up, I was shocked, shocked! to see that my gold bullion was gone!!! (Not the caviar, though, because it had kind of turned rotten overnight, making it too much of a risk. Even for those thuggy types.) So, beware, all people of this subdivision! There are criminal masterminds in our area using all of their high-tech tricks—-like the power of sight—-to rip off us innocent people. NO ONE IS SAFE!! I REPEAT, NO ONE!! PLEASE, BE ON HIGH ALERT!
Your neighbor with the runny caviar and neon sign in his yard
Actually, after two weeks of sending obnoxious e-mails like that one around the neighborhood, maybe it’s good that I’m on high alert.