About a year ago, I signed up for a Boot Camp in my neighborhood. Not a real boot camp, of course. Our country’s in more trouble than we realize if I’ve been drafted into the armed forces. Please. No, my boot camp recruits suburban women who want to get in shape, meaning the only war we’re currently waging is against the Axis of Evil that’s comprised of Cellulite, Back Fat and Tummy Rolls.  Hoorah!

When I first started the camp, the worst part wasn’t that it was held in the dark at 5:30 a.m. Nor was it the fact that I had to run a mile every day (without being chased; something that goes against every single one of my principles). And I even grudgingly got over the fact that, despite my high hopes, my drill instructor, Miss Rebecca, never once got in my face and screamed, “DROP AND GIVE ME 20, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING MAGGOT!”  Which, of course, would have been completely fantastic and well worth the enrollment fee.

No, the worst part about the whole thing was when Miss Rebecca would hook up speakers to her iPod, then blast out music while we did squats and lunges. Music like “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred and “Rico Suave” by Gerado. You know, because we weren’t close enough to projectile vomiting all over the parking lot.

I thought of this recently when a friend of mine had a similar experience and asked if she could play her own iPod for everyone. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out so well because the first song that came on was by The Black Eyed Peas and the other women in the class immediately started complaining that they “didn’t like hardcore rap.” Wha? I mean, even I know that’s not hardcore rap and I used to think I was “gangsta” because I once saw MC Hammer in concert.

Anyway, in light of this, I thought I’d try a little experiment and see what the first 5 songs on my iPod are when I hit “shuffle,” then figure out how appropriate they’d be to play during my next boot camp. Here goes:

1. “Slippin’ Into Darkness” by War – Not really a great song, but at least it accurately predicts what I’ll be doing after I try to hold The Plank position for 5 minutes.

2. “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Buddy Guy – Well, this one works because there really ain’t no damn sunshine when you’re stupid enough to work out at 5:30 a.m. I mean, who’s even awake at 5:30 a.m.? Farmers and serial killers, that’s who.

3. “Got To Give It Up” by Marvin Gaye – Yay! This is my favorite song ever, so if any of the other ladies don’t like it, they’re welcome to come over to my mat and let me and my 10-pound dumbell change their mind.

4. “Tequila Sunrise” by The Eagles – Let’s see–I like tequila, the sun is rising and well, I’ve got to do something to make this pain in my hamstrings go away, don’t I? Must remember to pack pack orange juice and a shot glass in my gym bag from now on.

5. “Who Let the Dogs Out”  by Who The Hell Knows -  Um, I’m not sure how this one got on here. I blame Steve Jobs.

But now that I think about it, maybe it’s safer if I don’t offer up my iPod the next time I attend a boot camp because I’m probably just one Manilow away from being forced to scrub out the latrine with my toothbrush. And honestly, I don’t think I can squat for that long.