Preschool Roadkill

April 28th, 2009

This world is full of scary people. Anyone who’s ever watched Rock of Love on VH-1 knows that. I mean, just the STDs on that show alone could probably wipe out the entire population of North America. And Europe.

But even more frightening than a gaggle of illiterate pole workers trying to win the heart of Bret Michaels are the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. People so reckless, so dangerous, that I feel my life is in constant peril whenever I’m near them. Like true sociopaths, they have no fear. No remorse. No knowledge of their surroundings. Instead, they’re drunk on freedom, high on caffeine and in a really, really big, damn hurry to get to the half-yearly sale at Nordstrom.

They’re the mothers in my preschool’s parking lot.

Each morning as I’m walking back to my car after dropping off Jack, I find myself the near victim of a ruthless hit-and-run when I have to dive out of the way to avoid a harried woman gabbing away on her cellphone while she zooms past me in her luxury SUV. Last week I was almost sideswiped by a tennis skirt in a Land Rover. The week before it was yoga pants in an Escalade. And today I was nearly nailed by a merciless miniskirt in a minivan.

I’m destined to become preschool roadkill.

Of course, I understand why these mothers are in such a hurry. I totally do. With only four hours to themselves while their kids are in school, they don’t want to waste a single minute of their precious time. No, they want to get to where they’re going and they want to get there now. And all I am is just one more annoying obstacle standing in their way. (Albeit an annoying obstacle holding up both of her middle fingers and screaming, “Slow the f*#k down, you crazy nutjob! I don’t want to die today! Not before I’ve had a mani/pedi!”)

So starting tomorrow, I’m going to wear a bright, orange safety vest and a giant, pink cowboy hat whenever I’m walking through the parking lot. Of course, I don’t think it’ll make the mothers actually stop their cars for me. But they might slow down a little to make fun of my outfit.

(Note: Please excuse any typos as I had to write this on my iPhone while frantically peeling out of the school parking lot in my Volvo SUV. What? There’s a sale at Banana Republic.)

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Add your own

  • 1. (Linda)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 8:58 am

    How About SPEEDBUMPS Or Spike Strips To Teach Them ALL A Lesson ?

  • 2. (ColoJE)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Ok, I have actually had a small fender bender with one of those crazy, luxury SUV, self-involved mommies. I always wonder how is it that she is such a cow and yet our kids are at the same place? Hmmmm

  • 3. (Kylie w Warszawie)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 11:26 am

    I love it! It’s exactly like my sons’ preschool! Except that they all dress like they are going to work (one of them looks like she may work at a house of ill repute, but hey it’s work).

  • 4. (Anonymous)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 11:54 am

    Oh how sad that this is so true! I had three near misses this morning at our elementary school. I am sure the rain would be to blame, but I can name all of them that came flying down the bike lane!

  • 5. (Cat)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    Kidlessness is looking better every day.

  • 6. (Anonymous)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    I live in Austin too, and I was hit while in the preschool parking lot while walking back to my car. Porsche Cayenne-lady rolled down her window and asked if I was OK, then drove off before I answered or got up off the ground. Her son was kicked out of preschool the next day.

  • 7. (Crap That Bugs Me)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    All you have to do is when you see these Mom’s in the church pre-school hallway, say, “I’ll cut yout bitch if your big sdd SUV ever comes near me again.”
    It worked for me. Then again, I do carry around a switchblade in my Kate Spade purse.

  • 8. (MadMad)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    We LIVE on the same road as the school, and I am always telling the kids to watch out for the crazy mommies at drop off!

  • 9. (the mama bird diaries)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    You are so smart. Of course they’ll slow down to make fun of your outfit. You are one smartie pants Aarons.

  • 10. (Coffee with Cathy)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    You are so right — “Rock of Love” is one of the scariest things on TV. But school-chauffering moms come in second. And I say that as a recent graduate, believe me. But what I really want to know is: Why is your Banana Republic having a sale and mine is not???

  • 11. (Kirsten)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    Effing hilarious!! I want to print this out and put in the cubbies at my son’s preschool.

  • 12. (bernthis)  |  April 28th, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    does Jack go to pre-school in L.A.?

  • 13. (Marinka)  |  April 29th, 2009 at 6:57 am

    I agree with Linda, you should definitely wear a speed bump! Or “breasts”, as I like to call them.

  • 14. (Domestic Goddess (In Training))  |  April 29th, 2009 at 11:28 am

    That is good to know. My boy starts preschool next Fall. Now I have a fighting chance of survival.

  • 15. (Heather, Queen of Shake Shake)  |  April 29th, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    I think this type of hazard is more prominent than swine flu.

  • 16. (*Akilah Sakai*)  |  April 30th, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Thankfully my son’s former miniature pre-school had a Kiss and Go Lane. They’d open your back door and take the kid out so they wouldn’t have squashed mommies to scrape off the pavement.

    I say thankfully because I would chase down and flame any speeder on school property.

  • 17. (Beth)  |  May 1st, 2009 at 2:51 am

    We see this scene everyday in our parent parking lot. Even the cops are afraid to patrol that piece of property. It has turned into a no-man’s land.

    I’ll pray for your safety.

  • 18. (Charmaine)  |  May 1st, 2009 at 6:19 am

    Or maybe a pre-emptive strike. You hit them first. That’ll teach ‘em.

  • 19. (Butterflyfish)  |  May 3rd, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Loved this post

  • 20. (Lisa (Jonny's Mommy))  |  May 5th, 2009 at 6:32 am

    OK…you make me laugh so hard. I’ve never done any of that stuff. I don’t even own a SUV. I did almost plow into a woman with my Lumina, but other than that. . . this is all foreign to me. Yet, so funny.

  • 21. (phd in yogurtry)  |  May 10th, 2009 at 12:28 am

    I hear ya. Around here, it’s the women driving Suburban’s who floor it. Scary when that five-ton vehicle is bearing down on you. My son asked the other day, “Mom, why are you always so MAD when you drive?”

  • 22. (Mother-in-Chronicles)  |  May 10th, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    SO you’re the one I almost hit this morning! Get out of my way, lady.

  • 23. (Leslie)  |  May 11th, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    WA, I dropped Cate off this AM and was almost taken out by an X5.

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