It’s time for our annual preschool Easter Egg Hunt! We can hardly wait for the fun to begin, but first we have to take care of some business.
Due to the rather “ugly incidents” that transpired during last spring’s egg hunt, it has unfortunately become necessary for us to now take certain precautions. Specifically, precautions regarding what items parents use to fill the plastic eggs for our children.
Listed below you will find items that SHOULD NOT, under any circumstance, be used to fill the plastic eggs used for our special hunt. For most of you, this list is simple common sense. However, as we learned far too late last year, there seem to be a few “trouble-making mothers” who apparently find it amusing to go to a biker bar the night before the egg hunt, get “totally sh*tfaced,” then “load up the mothereffin’ Eastey eggs” so chaos can then ensue at the preschool’s expense.
We truly hope these inconsiderate renegades (and don’t think we don’t know who you are, ladies) will not take this rather nasty route again and instead, fill the eggs with lollipops, jellybeans and other items that represent the Spirit of the Bunny. Let’s make this a wonderful day for the children and finally reassure the state of Texas that our school does not need to be investigated or red-flagged again.
NOT TO BE USED AS EGG FILLERS:
Slightly used nicotine patches
Harley-Davidson-brand thong underwear
Lee Press-On Nails
Cocktail Napkins covered in unemployed men’s phone numbers
Tattoo Parlor “Buy One/Get One Half-Off” coupons
The address to the local methadone clinic written in crayon
The preschool administration thanks you for your cooperation in this matter. We know that you want only the best for your children, and that’s why we have no doubt that this year, you mothers will fill the eggs with happiness, with joy and with fun.
But we’re still going to fingerprint each and every one of you smelly skanks just to be sure.