According to a recent article in The New York Times, celebrities are now hiring people to ghost write their Twitter posts. After giving it a few seconds of thought, I’ve decided that this would be a fantastic job for me. True, I’m a suburban mother who’s completely out of touch with Hollywood, I’ve never seen a Twitter post, much less written one, and I think it’s a little ridiculous to receive 140-character-long messages about how happy Ashton Kutcher is to drink his morning latte, but really, none of that matters much. I still think I’m perfect for the job.
In fact, here are a few sample tweets I’ve written on behalf of various celebrities. As you can see, I pretty much nailed ’em.
Britney Spears: Hey, y’all! It’s me, Britney! Tough choice–do I want paper or plastic??!? These Wal-Mart questions make my head hurt!! But not enough to shave it!! Ha ha ha!!!
Kate Winslet: Ugh! Out of Swiffer refills. Again!
Ernest Borgnine: Am I dead or alive? I’d really like to know because I have a hot stone massage scheduled for 4 o’clock. Let me know, my peeps! Thanx!!!
Robert DeNiro: Some people just don’t understand what “10 Items or Less” means. Jeez! Learn how to count, you dumb humps!
Vin Diesel: What do this? Me punchy keys? Do need kno spell? Twittah? Tweetah? Tweety Burd? He funny! Ugh! Dis hard! Stupid machine from future. Vin no want do no more. Vin sleepy.
Spencer Pratt: Good God, I’m such a douche.
Jennifer Aniston: Just signed up with Match.com because I’m 40 & desperate! (Brad sux!!) Meeting blind date “BadBoi304” @ Chili’s tonight! Hope we become good “Friends”! ROFLMAO!
Seth Rogan: Why does a dumpy guy like me make more movies than Daniel Craig who should be in every movie possible just so the housewives of the world don’t riot? Seriously, dude.
Harrison Ford: OMG, am I handsome. So, so incredibly handsome. Even at my age. What the hell am I doing with Calista? She’s got the bodyweight of a toddler. Must rethink. OK, laters!
Miley Cyrus: I’m 16 and dating a hot 20 year-old model! And driving a Porsche! WTF? Don’t my parents realize I’m headed straight for Dana Plato city? Think, Billy Ray. Think.
Larry King: What is this thing? Do I talk into it? Or should I be using dots and dashes? Can you hear me? Who is this? Where am I? Where’s my blanket? Should I type now? Is it an adding mach
Martha Stewart: I’ve just created a lovely spring basket out of the toilet seat covers and tampons I found whilst peeing in the ladies restroom at LAX! It’s a spectacular centerpiece!
Kim Kardashian: I’m more famous for my big booty than the winners of the Nobel Peace Prize are for making the world a better place. Man, I love this country. Ciao!!
Barry Manilow: I love my fans! Especially you,Wendi!! You’re a miracle, a true-blue spectacle & people should stop calling you a f*@*ing lameass Fanilow! Looks like YOU made it, babe!
Oh, Barry. I did, didn’t I?