According to a recent article in The New York Times, celebrities are now hiring people to ghost write their Twitter posts. After giving it a few seconds of thought, I’ve decided that this would be a fantastic job for me. True, I’m a suburban mother who’s completely out of touch with Hollywood, I’ve never seen a Twitter post, much less written one, and I think it’s a little ridiculous to receive 140-character-long messages about how happy Ashton Kutcher is to drink his morning latte, but really, none of that matters much. I still think I’m perfect for the job.
In fact, here are a few sample tweets I’ve written on behalf of various celebrities. As you can see, I pretty much nailed ’em.
Britney Spears: Hey, y’all! It’s me, Britney! Tough choice–do I want paper or plastic??!? These Wal-Mart questions make my head hurt!! But not enough to shave it!! Ha ha ha!!!
Kate Winslet: Ugh! Out of Swiffer refills. Again!
Ernest Borgnine: Am I dead or alive? I’d really like to know because I have a hot stone massage scheduled for 4 o’clock. Let me know, my peeps! Thanx!!!
Robert DeNiro: Some people just don’t understand what “10 Items or Less” means. Jeez! Learn how to count, you dumb humps!
Vin Diesel: What do this? Me punchy keys? Do need kno spell? Twittah? Tweetah? Tweety Burd? He funny! Ugh! Dis hard! Stupid machine from future. Vin no want do no more. Vin sleepy.
Spencer Pratt: Good God, I’m such a douche.
Jennifer Aniston: Just signed up with Match.com because I’m 40 & desperate! (Brad sux!!) Meeting blind date “BadBoi304” @ Chili’s tonight! Hope we become good “Friends”! ROFLMAO!
Seth Rogan: Why does a dumpy guy like me make more movies than Daniel Craig who should be in every movie possible just so the housewives of the world don’t riot? Seriously, dude.
Harrison Ford: OMG, am I handsome. So, so incredibly handsome. Even at my age. What the hell am I doing with Calista? She’s got the bodyweight of a toddler. Must rethink. OK, laters!
Miley Cyrus: I’m 16 and dating a hot 20 year-old model! And driving a Porsche! WTF? Don’t my parents realize I’m headed straight for Dana Plato city? Think, Billy Ray. Think.
Larry King: What is this thing? Do I talk into it? Or should I be using dots and dashes? Can you hear me? Who is this? Where am I? Where’s my blanket? Should I type now? Is it an adding mach
Martha Stewart: I’ve just created a lovely spring basket out of the toilet seat covers and tampons I found whilst peeing in the ladies restroom at LAX! It’s a spectacular centerpiece!
Kim Kardashian: I’m more famous for my big booty than the winners of the Nobel Peace Prize are for making the world a better place. Man, I love this country. Ciao!!
Barry Manilow: I love my fans! Especially you,Wendi!! You’re a miracle, a true-blue spectacle & people should stop calling you a f*@*ing lameass Fanilow! Looks like YOU made it, babe!
Oh, Barry. I did, didn’t I?
This is the perfect job for you.
I agree with Marinka. Hell, if I knew you were the ghostwriter, I might actually give a damn about what these people are tweeting. (and I’m SOOOO with you on the Daniel Craig thing…sign me up for the riot)
I am a little put off that Barry didn’t mention me as well. Hmm, he must be trying to keep us a secret for a little longer.
You’re hired!
Not that I’m famous or have a twitter account.
i hear john mayer does his own tweets, and that they are even cheesier as his “music”. he needs you wendi.
Omg I am going to die laughing. Want to write my tweets for me?
You came and you gave without takin’
But I sent you away, oh Wendi
Daniel Craig… sigh.
Fabulous! I think you have captured their true essence.
It could be magic…
vin deasil’s twit made me wet my pants. still loving you, frannie
I just created a facebook account 2 days ago at the urging of my 58 year old mother. Thats just sad she has like 50 friends and I don’t even know how to upload a damn picture to get started. How about you ghost facebook for me. Just write about drinking and doing idiotic things and you have me pegged.(Matter of fact, just you and I are alot alike just copy and paste your blog to my facebook) I pay in wine and vodka!!
her name is wendi,
she likes write things.
her clever lines she likes to share,
shouting out to everywhere.
she helps the a-list stars,
when they are drunk in bars,
she can pump out a one line message
when they crash their cars.
cuz she twitters,
twitters with glitter.
her comments are sharp but not bitter,
(there at) the twitter
twitter with glitter
a-list and a-holes
can reach all their e-goals
at the twitter,
with wendi a.
This is something I had not considered! Tweets? Eff that! If I give you my password will you write my blog for me?
All very funny, but the Larry King bit was snort-inducing. I could hear him saying it in my head, clear as a bell, even over the other voices.
ps Strange to think that if we had read that post twenty years ago it wouldn’t have made any sense. Actually, not sure it makes too much sense now….
“Seth Rogan: Why does a dumpy guy like me make more movies than Daniel Craig who should be in every movie possible just so the housewives of the world don’t riot? Seriously, dude.”Thank you!
Okay, Seth is friggin’ funny and laughing is my narcotic of choice, but I wouldn’t mind more of the ab-tastic Craigster at all.
I’m so glad you finally worked Larry King into a post.
Will you tweet for me?
make that a third vote as this being the perfect job for you and God knows celebrities are likely to pay you big..ahem…sorry, just puked in my mouth
You are a Twit’s dream come true!
You are so totally hired!
And with Tweets like that, how can you stay away from Twitter? Come on, sign up!
Oh hell, Wendi, would you consider being my Ghost Twitter? I need the help more than any GD celebrity.
You would be good at this, but we need you on Twitter first!
I came here because I saw this post on Twitter. I *heart* irony.
This is hilarious!
My favorites: Harrison “Ok, Laters” and Larry King “Where’s my blanket”
Michael Jackson could’ve said that too… hardeeharhar
BAhahahahahaha!!!!!!! Brilliant.
First: what?! They have people ghost writing their twitter posts????? What?
I would say that our Civilization is officially in decline ;(
…but you are are good at it!
Other celebs you should cut and paste the “Oh God I’m such a douche” line for:
Kanye West
Joaquin Phoenix
Joe Francis
Simon Cowell
The entire Bush administration
John Mayer
ouch, fingers…cramping…too many to type…
I KNOW! Somebody needs to record every waking moment of these celebrities. And for that matter, cover their sleeping moments, too.
Oh those are the funniest damn things …especially Spencer, jennifer and Harrison, you nailed em….sorry to admit tho that i actually watch spencer…
Can I hire you to write my Tweets? I can pay you in M&Ms depending on this week's list of bills.
Man, that is the first time I've laughed right outloud at a post in awhile. Love the laughs. Have to keep coming back here. It's addicting.
You did. Will you twitter in my place when I get rich, famous, and botoxed?
Ok, so I think I would have to agree with your assessment of pretty much everyone!
Good show, WA!
Good show!
Ok, I think I must be the only person in the WORLD to not know what Twitter is…