I’ve never really thought of myself as being much of a whiner. (Long pause while I double over in hysterical laughter and pat myself on the back for actually being able to type that sentence with a straight face. Whoooo.) No, most days I’m much too busy writing page after page in my Oprah Gratitude Journal to complain about anything, really. What can I say? My life is just full of light-bulb moments.
That said, on the rare occasion I do find something to grouse about, I really try to not do it around my neighborhood friend Jennifer. See, Jennifer believes in something called “the power of positive thinking” and strongly feels that we should all be “thankful for what we have.” Blah, blah, blah, the glass is half-full, those aren’t mosquitoes, they’re tiny angels giving you a kiss from Jesus…you get the idea.
Anyway, because of this whacko philosophy of hers, whenever I happen to say something even slightly negative, Jennifer immediately jumps right in and hits me with a few rays of her Little Mary Sunshine. To wit:
Ugh, I really don’t want to go grocery shopping.
Y’all just be happy you have money to buy food for your family!
Jack puked in his bed and it took me an hour to clean it up.
He’ll be out of the house before you know it and then you’ll miss those moments!
I think I need an eyelift. I’m starting to look like a dude.
Life gives us the face we deserve! Be proud of your wrinkles, girlfriend!
I just wasted four hours getting an oil change.
At least you have a car! In Mexico, people drive half-blind donkeys!
Oww–my legs are sore from doing all of those lunges. (OK, I made this one up. I don’t lunge for anything besides falling wine bottles.)
Just thank heaven you have two strong legs and don’t need one of those electric scooters at Costco!
I have a friend who’s really, really annoying.
Some people only have imaginary friends named Britney!
Seriously, I want to pin my friend down and tweeze off her eyebrows with jumper cables.
She’ll probably thank you for saving her a trip to the salon!
My friend needs to just shut her pie hole, already.
Or maybe you need to put on your listening ears, already!
Good-bye. I’m going to go bang my head against a wall.
At least you have a wall!
She’s a real treat, that Jennifer.
Which is why I was thrilled to learn that there’s now a more private forum for my massive amounts of whining. The brilliant Marinka from Motherhood in NYC has a new, already popular blog called Secret Spineless Whine, where you can submit complaints, bitches and rants to your heart’s content. Today she’s posting my little missive about the pure evil that is Breathe-Right Nasal Strips. (The post also includes a few f-bombs. I don’t know what’s going on with me, lately. The effin’ weather’s turned me into Joe effin’ Pesci.) So please, take a second to click on over, give it a look and maybe leave a whine of your own.
But whatever you do, don’t tell Jennifer.