We’re finally home from our spring break trip. Sadly, I didn’t return sunburned or hungover or even sporting a few nasty Mexican jailhouse tats to proudly show off at the next PTA meeting. (And I can’t even tell you how incredibly disappointed I am about that last one. I thought this would finally be the year I’d be able to trump the spectacle that is Missy Bradshaw’s humungo lip injections.)
Anyway, I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe, the big reason I don’t have any fun vacation souvenirs to display right now is because we actually spent our spring break week in Portland. Oregon. Awww, yeah. It was rain, rain and more rain. And then, right when I was about shave my head so my hair didn’t look like Weird Al Yankovic’s anymore, there was just a little more rain to top it off. Delightful.
Finally, after five days of wet feet, cold hands and being repeatedly jammed in the eye by Jack’s lethal “Power Rangers” umbrella, we couldn’t take another day, so we peeled off our Gortex, jumped in the rental car and headed straight out of town. To Seattle. Yep, I’ve got the travel agent skills of a moron. (Also, believe it or not, the old Space Needle didn’t have even ONE Hot Thong contest the whole time we were there. Or even a Best Chest In The West contest. I honestly don’t know how that city expects to get any tourism. I really don’t.)
But while I have many more fun stories from the trip, I first have to write about what happened today. After getting in late last night, I woke up Sam this morning and took him to school a few minutes after the bell rang. And, since I thought I’d just be running him into the office where nobody would see me, I guess one could say that I didn’t put too much care into my appearance. Of course, one could also say that I wasn’t wearing any make-up or a bra or matching clothes, that I had a big blob of pimple cream on my cheek and that I still sort of smelled like a worn-out seat cushion from an American Airlines 737, but I’m sure one wouldn’t want to be quite that nasty, would one?
Arriving at the school, we got out of the car, took one step into the parking lot, and suddenly, a loud, screeching wail pierced the early morning silence. We soon saw that it was the school’s fire alarm announcing an impromptu fire drill. Fantastic. Within seconds, the entire school emptied out in front of us and we instantly found ourselves standing smack dab in the middle of 500 people. All looking right at my blob of pimple cream. I immediately crossed my arms tightly around my braless chest (which, ironically, would have been a good look in South Padre), then inelegantly tried to pull Sam through the crowd to find his teacher.
Finally, after being greeted by EVERYONE I KNOW (who all looked at me like “Dear God, what a shame, she used to be so sober”), I found the teacher, handed Sam to her and turned to make a quick escape. Unfortunately for me, however, I then saw that my car was now being blocked by a rather large fire truck that had apparently shown up to give the fire drill some authenticity. (And also to provide the teachers with a few moments of firefighter eyecandy. Or so I hear from the gossipy lunch lady.)
Since I couldn’t move my car, I had no choice but to walk home, rather than wait around and experience even a few more minutes of public humiliation. I mean, a girl can only take so much, right? I hitched up my droopy sweatpants, smoothed down my unwashed hair and headed off on foot. Then, once on the street, I took a deep breath, smiled to myself and decided to shake off what had just happened. After all, it was a brand new day today. It was spring. It was a time of bright beginnings. So I told myself to just relax and regroup and really enjoy my half-mile walk home. And then it started to rain.
Next year, it’s spring break in Dubai.
(But all kidding aside, I totally love both Portland and Seattle and had a grand old time at my alma mater in Eugene, the U. of Oregon. Even if I did look like Weird Al.)
i have taken similar liberties and gone thru the late night drive thru in my pj’s…just to satisfy a fast food junkie craving…Like do i think they can’t see in my car ???
“what a shame, she used to be so sober” is super hysterical.
And I can’t believe that you’re bragging about being young enough to get zits. some of us are aging, you know.
That is one thing I love about New England – we always have a coat handy to hide accidental bra-lessness… Welcome home! You were missed!
I am glad I have no dignity, cuz I wouldn’t have been the least bit ashamed. Bragging about zits… I get more now in my 30s than I ever did as a teen… how’s that for aging gracefully?
I am from Oregon (but didn’t go to U of O–maybe shoulda). I used to love the rain, but now I don’t miss it so much–you know Portland was ranked # 1 most depressed city–Poor Portland. The thunderstorm today in Austin brought a lightning strike really close to my house. My kids and I totally freaked out!
I look like that every single morning I take Phoebe to school
On the bright side – Sam didn’t get into trouble for being late. There was too much else going.
I’ve lost my mascara during this “time of no money spending”. Since I usually only wear eye makeup, I’ve been lacking in that for about a week now.
Everyone at my kids’ school gives me that exact same “what a shame, she used to be sober” look.
And without mascara I totally look like I have no eyelashes. So now, not only am I a drunk, but I’m a drunk whose been involved in a tragic eyelash losing accident.
I’m one who should never be caught out without a bra. All I’ve got are mosquito bites and nipples. Not pretty! But, quite pointy…
you would fit right in in Maine.
OMG!!! I SO know what you mean! Of course, I’ve NEVER taken the kids to school without my bra on…
FUNNY! Thanks for the giggle. Oh, I’m trail and tribulation free..the Middle Spawn got 3 awards this morning! I’m blogging about it now!
maybe those staring were just thinking, “oh, she must be sporting some new ‘portland’ look.”
And that is why my kid is bussed to school.
The End.
I don’t know where to start. Praising your brilliant writing or dissing your nutty vacation planning.
Hmmm, I’ll go with dissing. So, like, Portland, huh? Good call, cuz like it’s totally known for it’s beau-ti-ful weather…second only to Seattle of course. Hey, like maybe next year you can think about Anchorage. I hear it’s lovely that time of year.
And now for the praise: you are too phenomenal and this post is why you are my favoritest bloggess.
And how tired did you get of hearing about how the rain just doesn’t bother anyone in Portland/Seattle?
Condolences over Weird Al. But I’m sure you look way better than him in an updo.
I just love these posts. Makes my day! Thanks.
Come on over, Wendi…we’ll commiserate over the rain, zits, bra-less pick ups and drop offs, that gossipy lunch lady, and so much more!!!
got a great house for you….
Weird Al is hawt and you know it.
So I’m not sure here; were you sober? Cause, seriously, how boring.
It’s a shame about that prison tattoo! 😉
Hot firefighters and you’re complaining?
I can never move to Portland or Seattle. My frizzy hair would make me 4 inches taller.
Loved it . . . I’ve been there so many times!
you should have taken my suggestion, Fargo is beautiful this time of year. And the kids love playing with sand(bags).