Learn that when you join a Facebook group called “Barry Manilow: Where Music and Passion Meet”, Facebook will then tell EVERYONE YOU KNOW about it and you will then be flooded with e-mails from all of your wonderful friends who say things like “Nice going, Fanilow Freak”, “Have fun at the Copacacrappa, you big loser” and “Seriously, get some professional help before it’s too late. I mean this as your mother”.
Sit in closet and listen to “Mandy” until the pain begins to fade.
At PTA meeting, loudly suggest that they use the slogan “A Little Song, A Little Dance, A Little Seltzer Down Your Pants” for the school’s talent show posters. When idea is met with complete silence, glare at everyone and make mental note to put in for a transfer to a PTA in the Catskills.
After a very cold night in Austin, wake up to find Volvo in driveway is completely covered in ice. Since there’s no time to fully defrost windshield, get in and drive Sam to school with only 30% visibility. Skid into drop-off lane and nearly hit a few curbs, then smile and tell shocked crossing guards that there’s absolutely nothing to worry about because “my car’s from Sweden and I’ve seen the movie Fargo like, 100 times, OK chief?”
Plan to walk to school from now on.
In Top 10 Parenting Moment, save thousands of dollars in future therapy bills by convincing son Sam that maybe doing his “awesome light saber moves” in the school talent show isn’t such a great idea after all.
In Bottom 10 Parenting Moment, lose thousands of dollars in future therapy bills when son Jack, who for some reason is wearing 3D glasses, walks into the bathroom and gets a horrifying eyeful of his soapy, naked mother loofahing her feet in the glass-walled shower.
After last year’s horrible discovery that, despite their name, the Girl Scouts’ Thin Mint cookies are not, in fact, a weight loss supplement, now find out that their Samoas cookies are not actually imported from the pacific island of Samoa. Polish off entire box, then call those slick little scammers in Troop 319 and demand a full cash refund.
Watch a TV show where a woman makes the amazing discovery that more men helped her pick up her spilled groceries when she was skinny and hot than when she was disguised in a big, fake fat suit.
Decide to ram shopping cart into Costco pickle display to see if it’s time to start working out.
Start working out.
Call Troop 319 and grudingly offer to apologize if they’ll bring over a few more boxes of cookies. Sit in closet listening to Barry and eating Peanut Butter Patties until it’s finally time for bed.