2. I will apologize to my neighbor for 1) signing her up for Rosie O’Donnell’s e-mail subscriber list and 2) telling her that I only did it because she reminds me so much of Rosie when she was in that Flinstones movie.
3. I will finally see what my gym looks like from the inside.
4. I will no longer approach pregnant women in public and helpfully suggest that they name their unborn baby “Apollonia 6.”*
5. I shall embrace vacuuming as an art form.
6. I will plan meals in advance so that I don’t find myself in the kitchen at 5 p.m. trying to make my family’s dinner out of two bottles of grape Pedialyte and a half-empty bag of Meow Mix (aka The Purple Pussy Casserole).*
7. I will finally learn how to swim.
8. I will quit telling everyone that I’m listening to cool bands like My Morning Jacket on my iPod when what I’m really listening to is Barry Manilow: Live! and loving every whitebread, lame-ass second of it. Yeah, that’s right. I said BARRY. Cause Barry writes the songs that make the whole world sing. What the hell has that Lil Wayne ever done that makes the whole world sing? Uh-huh. That’s right. Didn’t think so.
9. Instead of getting angry when an obnoxious solicitor calls, this year I will instead hand the phone to 5 year-old Jack and tell him that the guy on the other end really wants to hear all about his favorite Pokemon characters. In explicit detail.
10. I will make a valid effort to stop sending drunk e-mails to Larry King each night with the subject line: For The Love Of God, Pleeze Do The Earth A Favor And Just QUIT Already, You 200 Year-Old Suspender-Wearin’ Hack!! We Laydeez Needz Us Some Eye Candeee ASAP!!!!
11. I will explain to husband that it really embarrasses me when he tells people that my favorite movie of all time is Tori Spelling’s “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?” when it’s really “Big Momma’s House: 2.” I mean, come on. That shit’s hi–larious, man.
12. I will wear matching socks. (At least once a week.)*
13. I will help 7 year-old Sam understand that his new year’s resolution can’t be to “Be more awesome.”
And perhaps the most challenging one of all:
14. This year I’m going to really,really try my best to stop writing blog posts while whacked out on generic Benadryl.*
(*Resolution already broken.)