The lovely Dear Frannie just gave me something I’ve been trying to get for over 7 years now. (No, not THAT.) (Perv.) Using her amazing psychologist/poledancer training, she has actually provided the answers to the FAQ In My House. Yay, Frannie! Your $2.00 co-pay’s in the mail.

1. Who left these on the floor?
The incontinent cat.

2. Why is it so quiet up there?
Pure evil has no sound.

3. Is that where your shoes are supposed to go?
Is this a math problem?

4. What did I just tell you two seconds ago?
That you needed tequila, an axe and a little alone time.

5. Where do you think you’re going with that glue stick?
Like you said before, hell.

6. Good God, which one of you was just in the bathroom?
Daddy.

7. Why am I the only person in this family who knows where the dishwasher is located?
Because if you didn’t live with us, we’d be happy eating kibble off the floor.

8. What am I? Your frickin’ maid?
No, maids get paid.

9. Does anyone know if that brown stuff on the wall is chocolate?
I can tell you definitively that it is NOT chocolate.

10. Do you think toilet paper grows on trees?
I’m not sure because I haven’t actually used toilet paper in 2 1/2 months.

11. Don’t you think you’ve watched quite enough Sponge Bob for one day?
No because I’m trying to see if the hours of constant flashing will induce one of those cool Japanese cartoon seizures I’ve been reading so much about.

12. Is that how a big boy acts?
Not clear, but dad just did the same thing in the garage with no clothes on.

13. Do I look like I thought that was funny?
No, you look old and mean and tired. But you did look funny in that yearbook picture you showed us once.

14. WHAT did you just say? Who taught you that word? Was it Uncle Paul?
I said “yeast vaginitis” because that lady on TV has it, along with itching, burning, soreness, and pain during intercourse and urination. Why, does Uncle Paul have that, too?

15. How many times do I have to tell you that scratches up the floor?
What scratches up the floor? This? Or THIS?

16. Are you trying to drive me crazy?
Yes.

17. Why are you not eating your broccoli?
It’s green.

18. Would you like to try another answer?
Sure. Because broccoli sucks. How’s that one?

19. Hold on–can’t you see that mommy’s busy e-mailing Larry King right now?
But I thought you told us we had to be nice to old people.

20. Who told you that I was hiding out in the closet? Was it daddy?
No, I heard your muffled sobs from downstairs.

21. Is something burning?
Only the things I lit on fire.

Wendi Aarons