When’s the movie gonna come on, mommy?
Soon. Right after the trailers.
Whaddya mean “TRAILERS”?
Shhhh! The previews. And remember to whisper, OK?
Remember to WHAT?
I SAID “REMEMBER TO WHISPER”!
Shhh, mommy! You’re too loud! Those people over there are looking at us.
Just eat your popcorn, Sam. It’s almost time for the talking squirrel movie to start.
It’s a talking dog movie, mommy.
Whatever. All I know is I’m facing 72 minutes of animated hell.
Man, I wish I’d smuggled in a six-pack with us today. Now THAT would have been a genius move. In fact, that’s the only way my friend Karen kept herself from taking a cyanide pill during “Space Chimps”. Maybe there’s a liquor store that delivers…like a 1-800-WineNow place? Nah. There’s probably some obscure “law” that bans bringing alcohol into a kid’s movie, anyway. Stupid MPAA. Although, maybe that pimply kid manning the popcorn machine is holding. Lord knows those dark circles had to come from SOMETHING illegal, so…
What are you saying?
Just that this movie is going to be AWESOME!
Shhhh! Those people are looking at us again.
OK, OK. Let’s be quiet. No more talking.
OK, no talking. HEY, MOMMY–WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Shhh! Her name is Jennifer Aniston.
Oh. Who’s she?
Former sitcom star turned movie-actress. Who, if you ask me, definitely can’t open a movie on her own. Probably why she’s in a Christmas picture with a dog and a Wilson brother. Anyway, Jennifer once had a great haircut and was married to hottie Brad Pitt, but then he left her for that homewrecker/ humanitarian Angelina Jolie and now he’s called “Brangelina” and has 15 kids who eat a lot of Cheetos. But don’t worry, because Jennifer’s still strong. Even though I hear she’s now on-again with John Mayer, who’s really kind of icky but still has some great songs if you pretend it’s not him singing when you listen to them. I myself usually pretend it’s the Doobie Brothers. Anyway, will Jennifer ever find true love? Will she ever have a baby? Will she ever agree to a pay-per-view cage match with Angelina? At this point, Sam, we can only hope.
Well, you look like her.
I SAID, MOMMY, YOU LOOK LIKE JENNIFER ANISTON!
Shhhh! Those people over there just heard you.
Oh. Is that why they’re laughing so much?
Just hand me the popcorn, Sam. I think I hear the squirrels talking.