Earlier today, I was reading this week’s issue of People magazine because I was desperate to hear the real scoop on Taylor Swift’s break-up with that rebel Jonas Brother. (Jim? Jaime? Jicama? I’m not sure what his name is. But damn, gurl, he’s a Clearasil-usin’ dawg.) Anyway, just seconds after I finished the fantastic “Bodies After Babies!” pictorial, I saw a full-page ad emblazoned with the tantalizing headline “SEXY ESSENTIALS”. Wow, I thought. Now this is something I have just got to read. After all, I’ve always dreamed of being essentially sexy. And who better to tell me how than the fine employees of People’s ad sales department? Let’s go!
But then, as I started to read the page, eagerly looking for tips on hair teasing, cleavage enhancement and lower-back tattoos, I noticed that the ad was actually full of coupons. Huh? That’s weird, I said. After all, what’s sexy about saving money? It’s not like anyone’s ever gotten laid at Costco. But the copy then went on to explain that the coupons were for products that would, I think, help make a person sexy in preparation for People’s upcoming “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. Which was a big relief because Lord knows I’ve always wanted to look hot when I’m sprawled on the couch with my cat, covered in cookie crumbs and running my fingers over Taye Diggs’ biceps on page 24. I mean, who doesn’t?
So, after carefully cutting out each and every money-saving coupon on the page, I put them in my purse for the night and tomorrow, I’m planning on waking up early and heading out to the store for my “sexy shopping” spree. I can’t wait to see how high my level of hotness climbs. And just in case you’d like to join me, here’s the list of People’s SEXY ESSENTIALS that I’m going to be buying:
Lee Riders Jeans
Oil of Olay Deep Penetrating Moisturizer
Mamma Mia! The Movie DVD
Mott’s Healthy Harvest Apple Sauce
Oh, yeah. I’m gonna be sizzling.