Why We Don’t Entertain Much

Jack, did you like having our neighbors over for dinner tonight?

Uh-huh.

Good. Because mommy and daddy like having people over, too. But I need to talk to you about something, OK?

What?

Well, remember when you stood up on the dinner table and yelled “Hey, everybody! Look at me! I’m Captain Underpants!”?

(giggle) Yeah, that was funny, wasn’t it?

Not really. I mean, sure, people who enjoy broad, physical humor probably would have laughed at it, but unfortunately for you, none of them happened to be in our dining room tonight.

Oh.

Yeah, tough break. But after you got onto the table and yelled “I’m Captain Underpants!”, what did you do next?

(long pause) I pulled down my pants?

Yep. You sure did. You dropped trou like a junior member of the “Thunder From Down Under” male strip crew. Marcus, the Outback Hottie with a smile on his face and a kangaroo in his pocket. And do you remember what you had on under your pants?

Ummm….nothing?

That’s right. Nothing. So, really, you weren’t much of a “Captain Underpants” after all, were you?

No.

More like a “Captain Commando” or a “Captain Free-Ballin’” or even a “Captain Dangler”, if you will. Basically, Jack, tonight you were letting your boys run free while mommy was serving tiramisu.

Oh.

Yeah, “oh”. The point is, nice people don’t pull their pants down when they have company over because it might make the guests feel uncomfortable and want to leave early. And then they might not want to ever come back. So I don’t want you to pull a stunt like that again, OK?

OK.

Unless, of course, daddy invites the McAlisters over. Then I want you to whip ‘em off as soon as the doorbell rings.

Wendi Aarons

20 comments on this post.
  1. noreply@blogger.com (z):

    God, I can’t wait to have kids. *puke*

  2. noreply@blogger.com (Sue London):

    Hey, at least it was your kid. If the guests were that humorless my husband would have been tempted to do it himself. :)

  3. noreply@blogger.com (Steph):

    *ROFL!* That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. :-)

  4. noreply@blogger.com (Bonnie the Boss):

    He didn’t really!!! My children just choose to be completely obnoxious to me. Thinking I will ignore it because we have company.
    Think again!

  5. noreply@blogger.com (Stefanie):

    I think Z already has the wrong idea about having children. They’re blog fodder. Just think of all the hits you’ll get when you can tell great stories like this. Also, I would be highly amused if Captain “oops no” Underpants made an appearance at my dinner party. Unless that captain was Britney Spears. Then not so much.

  6. noreply@blogger.com (Christy):

    Thanks for this post. I’ve been trying to get my husband to stop doing that too. I’m going to show this to him – hopefully it helps.

  7. noreply@blogger.com (MadMad):

    Hahaha! It took me a day to come up with a comment for your last post that wasn’t as my usual oh god I had car-idlers, too and when I finally came back… you have a new great post. ‘Sup with that?

    Oh. And I can’t remember my funny comment for the last post now, either.

  8. noreply@blogger.com (Moi):

    *snort* at Captain Dangler.

    My youngest usually comes downstairs wearing only bathing suit bottoms, no top. Then she quizzes our guests on anatomy. It’s great.

  9. noreply@blogger.com (hokgardner):

    My husband helpfully taught our daughters about going commando. My oldest announced to her preschool class one time that she was commando. I had no idea she had snuck out without panties.

    We’ve been working to teach the girls that it’s not polite to be naked in front of company. We’ve had mixed success so far.

  10. noreply@blogger.com (Cassie):

    ROFL! My youngest never wears underwear. He says they make him feel tight. We bought him boxers. Still won’t wear underwear. LOL!

  11. noreply@blogger.com (Lady Weasel):

    Once, I insisted on going to the store with my Mom in my Spiderman Underooz. JUST my underooz. I think I was 4 years old at the time.

  12. noreply@blogger.com (Momma B):

    Hey, I call one of my 5 year olds Captain Underpants! Only, not for the reason Jack calls himself that! My son, until starting Kindergarten this fall, is the underwear only kid! He hates wearing clothes so much that, when he was 3, he used to try and go outside during the winter in underwear and boots and he did go out that way during the warmer months! He also hates clothes so much that a shopping trip to the mall at Christmas last year left him lying on the floor writhing, because the heat was about enough to kill him! I was not pleased, but since I was 5 days from giving birth, I just left him on the floor, rather than fighting with him like I normally would have! I am glad I am not the only one with a life like the one I have!!! The only problem is that we have a 15, 11, 8, 5, 5, 2 year olds and an 8 month old, so this hell is bound to repeat itself with one of the younger two! Can’t wait!

  13. noreply@blogger.com (Carol):

    oh good stuff.. perfect story to share with his girlfriend in later years.

  14. noreply@blogger.com (Minivan Mom):

    You’re just having the wrong people over.

    My boys would have looooooved it.

  15. noreply@blogger.com (the mama bird diaries):

    Damn. Dinner sounds fun at your place.

  16. noreply@blogger.com (Marinka):

    Like Minivan Mom’s kids, my son would have absolutely loved it. And I would have been busy eating everyone else’s tiramisu, as they sat there outraged. Mmm…tiramisu…

  17. noreply@blogger.com (bernthis):

    Hilarious. Thank God Phoebe doesn’t have a penis is all I can say

  18. noreply@blogger.com (Sadie61):

    We grew up in a small town. When my nephew was 3 (he’s now 23), he was outside with his older sister waiting in front of his house for the homecoming parade to start. Unbeknownst to his sister, as an eldery lady approached the kids on her way to watch the parade, my nephew pulled down his pants exposing his genitals and said “look what I have, Grandma”! I’m not sure what happened to the lady but I’m sure she was scarred for life. We still tease my nephew about it. By the way, no he did not grow up to be a pervert. He’s a very nice young man with a beautiful daughter of his own now and she’ll never know what Dad did until she’s 50! LOL. Kids….too funny.

  19. noreply@blogger.com (Deb):

    I think it all sounds quite entertaining. I guess I was “Captain Underpants” back in my college days. Uggh.

  20. noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous):

    *snorts*

    Your kid is priceless :D

    Apparently when I was little and guests would come round, I’d waddle off, come back with my potty, ceremoniously place it in the middle of the room and demonstrate just what a good and clever girl I was.

    Nobody had told my poor parents realise there could be such a thing as too much praise and encouragement. Well, you wouldn’t would you? Bless.

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