Life’s A Beach
July 20th, 2008
Suppose you’re on vacation with your family for a few weeks. Maybe in the Hawaiian Islands or some other tropical place that smells like pineapples and pot 99% of the time. And suppose that one lovely morning, after wrestling on your swimsuit and dousing your body with SPF 34,000 sunscreen, you decide to casually wade into the crystal clear ocean and just relax for a while. As you stand there, waist-deep in the warm, blue water, your mind suddenly clears and you promise yourself that from now on, you’ll live your life better. No longer will you be an anxious, crabby or paranoid person. No, instead, you’ll be like a wave, gently crashing Zen-like onto the shore, able to handle whatever the tide brings your way. Then you smile as a little, yellow fish swims by and realize that, at long last, you’re at peace with the world. Everything is calm. Everything is good.
So, supposing all that, what’s the worst possible thing someone could say to you at that very moment?
Well, a few things probably come to mind. Like, “Hey, Boobs, is this your bikini top I just found?” or “Watch out! Here comes Hurricane Englebert!” or even just, “Excuse me, but did you see my son’s swim diaper float by? He always has trouble keeping it on when he has the stomach flu.” But unfortunately, what I heard wasn’t any of those statements. (Which is a shame, really, because I could easily deal with all of those things.) (Except for the free-range swim diaper, of course. That crap requires a HazMat suit and the service of the United States Coast Guard.)
No, what was said to me, while standing in the Pacific Ocean 15 feet from the shore, basking in my newfound inner peace was this:
“HEY, LADY! LADY! WATCH OUT! THERE’S A SHARK BEHIND YOU! I SAID THERE’S A SHARK BEHIND YOU! GET OUT OF THE WATER! NOOOWWW!!!”
Um, what?
At first I didn’t understand why the large, blonde woman on the beach was screaming at me and waving her arms like a crazy person, so I just squinted at her and yelled back, “What’s that? There’s a “shelf” behind me? Why is there a shelf in the water? Like a book shelf? Or do you mean a sea shelf? Or a sea shell. Is that what you’re saying? Seashell? Well, thanks for telling me, but I’m fine, so…”
“LISTEN, LADY! I’M SAYING THERE’S A SHARK IN THE WATER!”
“What? Ohhhh. You’re saying ’shark,’ not ’shell!’ Well, that makes more sense because I really couldn’t figure out why you’d get so worked up about a…HOLY SHIT!! THERE’S A SHARK IN THE WATER! THERE’S A SHARK BEHIND ME! I NEED TO GET OUT OF THE WATER! NOOOOWWW!!!”
“YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING, LADY! SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF THE WATER!”
As I desperately tried not to freak out and began ungracefully slogging to the shore through water that now felt like frozen molasses, a jumble of thoughts immediately ran through my head. First, wouldn’t it be great if I knew how to swim? Second, per The Discovery Channel, don’t sharks only attack people if they think they look like prey? Therefore, is my Land’s End skirtini making my ass look like a chubby, baby seal right now? Or just a chubby baby? And third, I hate to say it, but that Spielberg was right. This scene would really be much cooler with some awesome theme music right about now.
Finally reaching the safety of the beach, I ran over to my husband and screamed, “OH, MY GOD! I JUST ESCAPED FROM A SHARK!”
He looked at me, stunned, and said, “That’s amazing!”, then he started frantically digging around in our beach bag. I stood there shivering, eagerly waiting for him to wrap me in a beach towel and give me ice cream like they do on Baywatch, but he then surprised me by excitedly holding up an underwater camera, yelling, “I’ll be right back!” and running off to the water with a happy smile on his face. I kicked at the sand and wished, for the first and probably only time, that I was actually married to David Hasselhoff.
After I wrapped myself in a towel and finally got my breathing back to normal, the town-crier blonde woman came over to me and urgently pointed to something in the water. And there, right where I had just found my tranquility not five minutes ago, was a 3 foot-long black-tipped reef shark, swimming around like he owned the place. “Wow,” I said to her. “That was sure a close call!”
She looked me up and down, thought quietly for a few minutes, then said, “Well, not really, lady. You see, sharks only attack people if they look like prey. And trust me, your legs are too white for that to ever happen.”
I smiled at her nicely, said “thank you,” and then, like a wave, floated over to my umbrella, crashed Zen-like into my beach chair and immediately reached for my bottle of sunscreen.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
23 Comments
Add your own1. noreply@blogger.com (MadMad) | July 20th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
MAN, I missed you. Welcome home, Ms. Funny!
2. noreply@blogger.com (Tracy) | July 20th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Wendi:
Shellfishly, (couldn’t resist the pun) I am glad you did not get eaten by that shark ‘cuz nobody makes me laugh like you! Thanks!
3. noreply@blogger.com (Marinka) | July 20th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
I can’t stop laughing! Zen isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.
4. noreply@blogger.com (the mama bird diaries) | July 20th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
What?! You escaped from a shark! Sounds like years of SPF 34,000 sunscreen really saved your arse.
So at what point in this ridiculously scary experience did you think, “Oh this is good for the blog. Very good material.”
5. noreply@blogger.com (Moi) | July 20th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Pure, unadulterated genius.
I am positive the shark was wondering where he/she could get a skirtini, as I am sure you rocked it.
6. noreply@blogger.com (Deb) | July 21st, 2008 at 4:10 am
Glad to see another post! Perhaps Zen isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I think the true Zen would have oome when you treated yourself to an ice cream cone. Did you ever get one?
7. noreply@blogger.com (zchamu) | July 21st, 2008 at 5:48 am
This post has everything. Scene setting. Gripping story. Complete ego destruction. Well done!
Buahaha. Did the lady even try to sound like she was uncomfortable dishing out an insult, or did it just roll off her back?
I can say this speaking as the whitest white chick I know. I think I have actually disrupted satellites when I wear bathing suits.
8. noreply@blogger.com (TLCknits) | July 21st, 2008 at 6:06 am
Man.. I’m glad you’re back! and ALL IN ONE peice!…
9. noreply@blogger.com (omnidudemeandthebean) | July 21st, 2008 at 7:13 am
You make even the most dire of situations comical. I’m glad you weren’t hurt. I enjoy reading your blog way too much.
10. noreply@blogger.com (diaryofamother) | July 21st, 2008 at 10:25 am
I owned a skirtini once. I donned that and a pair of sandals from Payless with my post-partum belly poking through.
“Hey Jimmie,” I shouted in my best nicotine-laden voice. “Where’re my Virginia Slims?”
Yeah, been there.
11. noreply@blogger.com (followthatdog) | July 21st, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Sharks freak me out. I’d have lost it, then kicked my husband’s ass for not being properly supportive after my traumatic experience. Sometime I’ll tell you about my Scuba Diving at Blue Hole surrounded by sharks experience. Then we can go get ice cream together to make up for the sympathy we both didn’t get when we so richly deserved it.
12. noreply@blogger.com (annenahm) | July 21st, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Holy shit! And also, I would have mooned blondie for that kind of remark about your legs.
13. noreply@blogger.com (Orion) | July 22nd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Think of the positives…
you know.. like
if i hadn’t been using that sunscreen someone may have mistaken me for an illegal and deported me.
wait… no, that doesn’t happen in Pinneapolis or Frutopia…
i take it back, there was nothing po.. oh hey wait…
you didnt get eaten by a shark, that sounds like a pretty positive note to work with.. yeah? And besides, David Hasselhoff…? isn’t that he the poster for post-alcoholic …no wait, pre-alcoholic …no, umm. Who really wants to be with a guy that can’t even eat McDonalds food drunk?!
14. noreply@blogger.com (Denise) | July 22nd, 2008 at 4:41 pm
We just returned from the ocean as well. The only thing we saw were jellyfish. Everyone got stung but me. I think I didn’t look like prey even to a jellyfish.
15. noreply@blogger.com (Ben) | July 24th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
My wife and two sons would be right there with you on the whiteness. Your husband is so like me.
16. noreply@blogger.com (Anna Quinlan) | July 24th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
When you said your husband started digging through the beach bag after your narrow escape I thought he was going to produce a $5 bill to make good on his bribe to the town crier. But an underwater camera is funny too…
17. noreply@blogger.com (Queen Goob) | July 25th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I surf-fish; I know what’s in the water. I was a lifeguard and a competitive swimmer and girl I do NOT go in the ocean. Did you see the picture I posted the end of June? Yeah, my arse ain’t hittin’ the water anytime soon unless there is a level of chlorine high enough to color my hair green from forty paces.
18. noreply@blogger.com (Cassie) | July 26th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I’m glad you weren’t eaten by a shark.
19. noreply@blogger.com (Zoe Winters) | July 28th, 2008 at 5:17 am
hahahaha That’s awesome! I thought for a minute it was going to be some practical joker swimming around with a fake plastic shark fin strapped to his back scaring people and ruining your moment of zen.
Gah I miss the beach.
20. noreply@blogger.com (Bonnie the Boss) | July 29th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
She didn’t really say that about your legs. Please tell me she didn’t. You just made that part up, mostly to add some more humor to an otherwise non-funny situation. What is it with the sharks this year? Good thing I never get to go anywhere tropical like that. At least that is what I keep telling myself.
Your hubby did something similar to what mine would do. He would have cussed me for yelling at him about the dang shark.
21. noreply@blogger.com (ingrid) | August 4th, 2008 at 2:53 am
Alternative ending #1: Your husband rushes to your side (Hof-style) then quickly encompasses you in a large fluffy towel. Tears streaming down his face he says, “Oh baby. I’m so glad you’re here. My life would be empty without you.”
Alternative ending #2: In a moment of supreme agility, you grab the shark by the tail and hurl it into the water far far away from the beach to the relief of bystanders. The crowd cheers. You glow.
Alternative ending #3: We cheer! Great story. You are fabulous.
22. noreply@blogger.com (Lela) | August 13th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I’m just surprised the bottle you reached for was filled with sunscreen. I would have opted for a cocktail.
23. noreply@blogger.com (*Akilah Sakai*) | December 5th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
The horror!
You turned this into something absolutely hilarious. You Wendi-fied it!
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