Highlights Of Last Week
June 30th, 2008
Monday:
Pick up boys from day camp. On the way home, 6 year-old Sam casually mentions that he just got in trouble for calling another camper “The C-Word”. After screaming, hyperventilating and swerving off the road to frantically dial 411 and demand the number to the nearest military school, hear Sam then explain that at Camp Turtle, the C-Word stands for “cheater”.
Tuesday:
Try out new Wii Fit by standing on a computerized board for two minutes while the system performs a body assessment. System quickly reports back that, based on my ability to balance, I must “trip a lot when I walk” and then goes on to tell me that my “fit age” is that of a 62 year-old. Which at least explains why I eat dinner at 3 p.m. and like Johnny Mathis so much.
Wednesday:
After the boys ask to play with all the things they didn’t have time for during the school year, spend morning pulling out toys, games and puzzles and setting them up in the playroom. Boys then play with the new toys for approximately 1.5 seconds before running away to whap each other with kitchen towels for the next three hours.
Thursday:
Watch trashy, new summer show “Swingtown” on CBS that’s about the decay of the suburban family in 1976, then go to bed and have nightmares about it all night long. Because while the show’s amoral wife swapping and casual drug use are perfectly fine, nobody should ever be forced to see those freaky 70’s mustaches again. I mean, that shit’s nasty.
Friday:
When closing bag of Veggie Booty, push too hard and force a cloud of bright, green veggie dust to suddenly shoot out and land directly in eyes. Stumble around kitchen screaming, “Oh, my God! I’m blind! I’M BLIND!” Since husband is on ground laughing and therefore unable to help, must then feel way to sink to rinse off kale and spinach residue and restore vision. Cry green tears.
Saturday:
After four year-old Jack suddenly announces that, in our house, “daddy is the boss” and “mommy is the waitress”, sit him down for the longest lecture of his life, complete with the visual aids of bank statements, pie charts and forensic diagrams. Once Jack finally realizes that both mommy and daddy are the boss and that mommy’s purpose in life isn’t just to serve her kids, give him a nice, big hug. Then bring him a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of milk.
Sunday:
In grocery store parking lot, have space stolen by mean, terrible woman in a giant SUV. After she walks by, smugly sneering, angrily mutter under breath for a few minutes. When Sam asks, “What did you say?”, simply smile and tell him, “Nothing, honey. Mommy just thinks that woman’s a ‘cheater’ “.
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20 Comments
Add your own1. noreply@blogger.com (MadMad) | June 30th, 2008 at 9:55 am
HA! And yeah… that’s been my week too, only not so funny…
2. noreply@blogger.com (Amber in Albuquerque) | June 30th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Another instant classic. Will be making use of ‘cheater’ sometime in the future, I’m sure!
3. noreply@blogger.com (Christy) | June 30th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Johnny Mathis? Ha. Someone gave me shit recently about liking Reba. Oh, wait … that was you…
4. noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl Prater) | June 30th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Wendi, if you start drinking coffee with meatloaf at 3pm we’re taking up a collection to buy you a LifeAlert.
My Monday began thusly:
Wake up with headache b/c dog kept me up half the night scratching and licking his mystery rash.
Chug coffee, bleary eyed.
Get ready for work.
Walk itchy dog.
Look on in horror as dog vomits up hair ball the size of nectarine on sidewalk.
Fight back gag reflex.
Decide never to eat nectarines again.
Fill large bucket with water and wash regurgitated fur into neighbor’s lawn.
Call vet and pick up $87 in canine steroids and antibiotics.
Jam peanut butter coated pills into uncooperative dog’s gullet.
Wait five minutes and look for signs of wiener dog roid rage.
Leave dog and children unattended.
Go to work.
Devise strategy ensuring husband gets home first tonight.
5. noreply@blogger.com (TLCknits) | June 30th, 2008 at 11:16 am
PERFECT! OH I don’t know how many times, I’ve wished I was Evelyn Couch and just ram the shit out that “C” words’ car!
6. noreply@blogger.com (kim) | June 30th, 2008 at 11:17 am
I’m so glad I didn’t get Wii Fit. I didn’t know it talks back to you! Who knew the Wii could be such a Cheater?!
7. noreply@blogger.com (Judy Merrill Larsen) | June 30th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Love the “C-word.”
And your lecture to Jack reminds me of when my son was in 3rd grade and announced to his teacher that his mommy’s hobby was “laundry.” When I asked him why he said that he responded, “You must love to do it because you do it all the time.”
Oh, and thanks for even more incentive to NOT get the Wii.
8. noreply@blogger.com (amanda) | June 30th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Love it – esp the waitress part! Sounds like a rockin’ summer so far. Just think only 57 more days until school starts.
I’m counting them down – and have slaready started planning the 2nd annual “my kids are back in school mimosa party”! 
9. noreply@blogger.com (Mama Bee) | June 30th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
I don’t have anything witty to say; just wanted to let you know that your hysterically funny posts bring me nearly to tears!
Keep it up!
::cries green tears::
10. noreply@blogger.com (Lady Weasel) | July 1st, 2008 at 1:26 am
LOL!! The ‘c-word!’
11. noreply@blogger.com (VE) | July 1st, 2008 at 9:12 am
Whew…I thought you were going to use the other C word….country (as in Country music). I’m glad you didn’t go there!
12. noreply@blogger.com (Cassie) | July 1st, 2008 at 6:28 pm
OMG I am dying laughing at the body assessment!
13. noreply@blogger.com (the mama bird diaries) | July 2nd, 2008 at 8:19 pm
you are the funniest 62 year-old i know.
14. noreply@blogger.com (the mama bird diaries) | July 2nd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
oh, and lay off Swingtown. That little slice of mustache heaven is getting me through the summer.
And you might like this…
http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/
15. noreply@blogger.com (Lynners) | July 3rd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Hah! Thanks for always making my life look peaceful! Knock on wood I’ll never understand!
16. noreply@blogger.com (Denise) | July 3rd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
bwa ha ha frickin ha!
That lady is always at Target when I’m trying to park. She sure gets around.
17. noreply@blogger.com (coffeypot) | July 4th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I was going to join a wife swapping group, once. I was going to swap my wife for a riding lawnmower. I gave up the idea since they wouldn’t throw in the grass catcher.
18. noreply@blogger.com (Deb) | July 5th, 2008 at 5:39 am
First, the Wii Fit would probably declare me to be dead. Wow.
Love the C-word thing. Last year, when talking with my then 8 year old daughter, I used the word “fart” around her. I had never said it before to her as I had always tried to get them to say “toot toot” when they were little. (btw- I know how stupid that is now) Anyhow, she let out a sigh of relief and said “I’m so glad you said that.” I said, “why honey”? She said, and I quote, “I’ve been wondering what the F word was.”
19. noreply@blogger.com (muhmah) | July 8th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
If you have never seen the movie ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’, you MUST rent it. If you HAVE seen it, just replay that little scene in your head when Kathy Bates gets cheated out of a parking spot by a couple of high-haired bimbos. And if you never have the nerve to ‘accidentaly’ hit someone elses car in a parking lot SIX TIMES,, carry something messy to place under the wheels of the offending vehicle. Like eggs, or sour cream, or, better yet, do you have any kids still in diapers???
20. noreply@blogger.com (Marinka) | July 11th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
So, so funny! I especially love the green tears.
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