Have you seen my toenail clippers?

Which toenail clippers?

The ones I use to clip my toenails.

Yeah, they’re in my car.

What are they doing in your car?

I don’t know. Probably wondering why someone would opt for black, leather seats when they live in Texas.

WHY are they in your car?

Because the light’s much better in there.

To do what? Clip your toenails?

Of course not. That’d be ridiculous.

Then what were you doing in the car with my toenail clippers?

Plucking my eyebrows.

(long pause) Oh, well, that’s not ridiculous at all.

OK, so you know my really great eyebrow tweezers? The pink ones that are angled, not pointy, so I don’t accidentally blind myself if I happen to sneeze while I’m in the middle of a plucking episode? Well, I couldn’t find them anywhere.

Uh-huh.

And I desperately needed them because my one gray eyebrow hair had returned with a vengeance and I knew that if I didn’t remove it IMMEDIATELY, it’d sprout up like a mofo, meaning that by Tuesday, I’d be walking around the neighborhood looking like a deranged Muppet in Bermuda shorts.

OK.

And I couldn’t go to the salon to have it removed because the last time I was there, I innocently said to my waxer, Sheena, that, boy, isn’t she lucky to work there because her upper lip probably needs to be waxed A LOT and for some reason, she took offense to that, which means that I’m now terrified to let her near me with tubs of hot, boiling wax.

Sure.

So then I thought, why don’t I just try pulling The Old Gray Lady out with these toenail clippers? Easy, right? Of course, I rinsed them off in alcohol first just to be sure I wouldn’t catch some kind of freaky foot fungus on my eyebrow because then I’d have to wear a big, black eye patch on my eye for a few weeks and, quite honestly, I really don’t think I can pull of the whole “Modern Pirate” look, even if I did accessorize with a puffy, white shirt and chunky gold jewelry, but then again, I do like parrots so…wait, where are you going?

To the drugstore.

Well, can you get me a new pair of eyebrow tweezers while you’re there?

Not unless they’re found in the pain medication aisle.

Fine. But just don’t take my car, OK? I think I might need to shave my legs later.