Oh, man, it’s 7:00 a.m. already?
Sorry. Did I wake you?
Go back to sleep. I’ll get Sam up for school.
But just one thing: please don’t set the alarm to “radio” again, OK? I don’t want the first thing I hear every morning to be two dumbass DJs talking about their sex lives. Like I want to know what kind of kinky things someone named “Lunchbox” is into. Deli meats are not supposed to be used that way, my friend. Although, I do have to admit I wouldn’t mind hearing more about that chubby, little weatherman on channel 4. Dude looks like he’s got a whole closet full of freak flags he’s waiting to fly, don’t you think? But maybe that’s just because he says “Doppler” a lot, which…
For the love of God, get out of bed.
OK, OK. Give me a minute. Ugh, I’m sooo tired. Why do they have to start school so damn early anyway? I mean, it’s not like we’re talking Harvard MBA program here. It’s Kindergarten. Half of the class still thinks Elmo’s a real person.
Somebody please kill me.
Seriously, does it take 8 full hours to learn about nouns? I could teach Sam that in under a minute. Which gives me a great idea, actually. Homeschooling! What do you think? Pro: we could sleep until 9:00 a.m. Con: we’d have to change his name to Ezekiel and start wearing calico. I don’t know. It’s kind of a toss-up, really.
Just put the pillow over my face and push down hard.
But doesn’t the school board realize that little kids need extra sleep for their growing bodies? That it’s really hard for them to wake up so early? That their middle-aged mothers may or may not have had a little Pinot Grigio party the night before and now need some extra time to get rid of their facial puffiness so that the smug crossing guard doesn’t call them “Mrs. Doubtfire” again? Which reminds me, are we out of peanut butter?
Good God, why am I still breathing?
(sigh) Well, I guess I’ll go wake up Sam and take him to school. You just go back to sleep, honey.
We can talk more after I come home.
Because, really, I’m not that much of a morning person.
This post was inspired by the wonderful MadMad, who not only gets up at 6:00 a.m., but then goes running. In New England. In January. No wonder she’s so funny.