1. A person should not have to eat 10 boxes of the Girl Scouts’ “Thin Mints” before they finally figure out that the cookies are not, in fact, a weight-loss product.
2. When out running errands, it’s a good idea to always look your best. Otherwise, certain squinty-eyed salespeople in the Nordstrom purse department may look at your mismatched socks, coffee stained t-shirt and “Monster Garage” baseball hat and just assume that you’re a potential shoplifter they need to follow. And then you’ll have to buy your new purse at the Dollar Store.
3. If you’re planning to watch CNN, make sure your young son is not in the room watching along with you. Otherwise, he may spend the next two days with a blanket over his head, yelling, “Mommy! You have a suspicious package!” and demanding that you go find some dogs to come sniff him.
4. When Mandy Jo in exercise class asks, “Are all y’alls asses on fahr today, too?”, what she is actually saying is, “I am experiencing some muscle soreness in my gluteal region this morning. Are you as well?” You should then respond by grabbing your bottom, groaning loudly and yelling, “Oh, hail yeah, Mandy girl! My ass be hurtin’ like a bee-yotch today!” Then she will like you and not move your mat to the back of the room next to Stinky Tank-Top Guy.
5. It is better to buy your kids’ Valentine’s Day candy at Target and not the discount store. Unless, of course, you actually want candy conversation hearts that say things like, “Fax Me!”, “Sole Mate” and “I Loe You” and make your kids look like semi-literate playah hatahs.
6. If it buys you an extra 15 minutes of sleep, it’s OK to pay your son $1.00 to wipe his own bottom. Two bucks if he doesn’t tell you about it afterwards.