OK, time to leave for preschool!

I’m not going.

Yes, you are.

No, I’m not!

Come on, sweetie. You know you like preschool. It’s so fun! And you’re such a big boy.

Preschool smells.

You’ll get to see your friends! And play on the big playground!

No! Don’t make me go!

You’ll have circle time! You like circle time! Who doesn’t like circle time? Idiots, that’s who doesn’t like circle time. And you’re not an idiot, right? At least, you won’t be if you go to school and learn your shapes.

DON’T WANNA DON’T WANNA DON’T WANNA DON’T WANNA!

Jack, I understand if you’re a little upset about going to school today. But just remember, mommy loves you very much and wants you to GET YOUR SHOES ON RIGHT NOW OR I’M GONNA TAKE YOU ALL THE WAY DOWNTOWN, HOMESLICE!

No!

So. That’s how you want to play it. Fine. I’m down with a little home schooling. Game on, man. Game on. Alright, Jack, I’ve changed my mind. You can stay home with me today. But you have to do what I do.

Like what?

Well, first, we’ll clean up all the toys, fold the laundry and steam clean the morning cat puke off the carpet. Then we’ll go to your brother’s room and play “What’s That Smell?” until we have an answer. After a yummy lunch of Slim Fast and Brie, we’ll visit Mrs. Jackson and ask her to tell us a detailed story about Mr. Jackson’s gender identity issues. Then we’ll probably do a little bra shopping and, if we still have time, go to the doctor and ask her to give us some shots just for fun, so…where are you going?

To get my shoes for preschool.

Well, then. Class dismissed.