Attention cat lovers! The opportunity of a lifetime has finally arrived! You, yes YOU, can now own two of the WORLD’S FINEST FELINES! Yes, friends, it’s true. For a limited time only, the dashing duo known to their current owners as “the Jackass Twins” is FOR SALE! Unbelievable! Yes, they’re cute, they’re cuddly, they’re incontinent and now they can be YOURS! Oh, for the love of God, somebody pinch me!
You see, people, due to a rather unfortunate incident involving a king size mattress, brand new 500-thread count sheets and various odoriferous substances currently being tested in a downtown forensic lab, these amazing cats must now look for a “NEW GODDAMN PLACE TO LIVE”! Heartwrenching! But fear not, fur fans, because their loss is your gain!
Just think for a moment, friends—is there anything more fun and rewarding than living with two 15 year-old cats? Oh, hell to the no! Why, just imagine the joy you’ll have with these furballs during the 20 minutes a day they’re awake. Watch them track pee-filled litter clumps all over your newly washed floors! Listen to them start whining for food at 5:30 a.m.! Whack yourself out on four different medications for your now debilitating cat allergies! And shake your head in wonder when their daily pukefests on your off-white carpet create permanent stains that greatly reduce the value of your home! Oh, Lawdy! Calls up the doctah ’cause I gots me sum dat Cat Scratch Fevah! Meeee-owww!
How much does a deal like this cost, you ask? $100? $200? $300? NO WAY! For a limited time only, both cats are available for WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO PAY! Cash, credit, Chuck E. Cheese tokens, we’ll take it! Yowza! Plus, if you order in the next hour, we’ll throw in a Boodaloo litter box, non-melamine tainted cat food and a case of carpet cleaner! Wow! We must be CRA-ZAY-ZEE! So call and order your cats today before they once again do something kind of cute and redeem themselves! These babies won’t last! ORDER NOW!
Offer not valid in the continental U.S. Shipping and handling not included. No C.O.D.’s. Actual cats may be more annoying than advertised.