Good–we got here just in time. I know it’s your turn to choose the movie, but I hear that foreign one’s really wonderful. It’s about an orphan and a Clown who discover a magical root vegetable in the forest and…oops! I forgot, it’s your choice. I’ll be happy with whatever you pick.
How about “Transformers”?
Good God, are you insane? “Transformers”? Do I look like a 14 year-old boy who’s been sniffing model airplane glue all day? Do I look like I want to have every one of my five senses violated in Dolby surround sound? Come on. I’d rather spend two hours in Spencer’s Gifts fondling fake diarhhea than go to an action movie based on an old cartoon and a plastic toy. I mean, what’s next? “Pez Dispenser: The Movie”? “The Adventures of Slinky”? No, thanks. Besides, it’s directed by Michael Bay, the genius behind “Armageddon”. I think my brain is still bleeding from that one. Only movie ever that made me wish I’d brought along some arsenic to sprinkle on my popcorn. And did I ever tell you that he kind of hit on me one time outside of this club in L.A.? Of course, it was 2 a.m., so his choices were a little limited–me or the toothless tranny on the bus bench–but still, I’m counting it. Not like that time I thought that guy who played Donna Martin’s rapist on “90210” was coming on to me. I was wrong that time. Really wrong. So very, very wrong. Hey, do you think that security guard ever got his job back? He was a nice guy. Not very alert, but that became obvious when the dogs started to…what’s wrong?
Well, we just missed the beginning of “Transformers”.
Oh, really? Was I talking too long? But the good news is it looks like we can still make…
“Live Free or Die Hard”.
Crap. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I thought Bruce Willis was following me around the Burbank Costco? Or at least I think it was him. Could have been “The Commish”. Anyway, his cart was just loaded down with double A batteries and fish, cod maybe, and…hey, where are you going? Can I at least get some popcorn? Nachos? I promise not to talk anymore. Unless they show a trailer with Kevin Costner in it, because then I might have a few things to say.