8:00 p.m. – “Wife, Politician, Betrayer”

While a risk-taking Congresswoman (Judith Light) fights to rescue her bi-racial son from an evil, deaf nurse (Valerie Bertinelli) who stole him from the hospital, her husband (Rick Schroeder) must save their their town from a devastating swarm of radioactive grasshoppers. And then they all get cancer.

10:00 p.m. – “Attacked at the Gym: The Gloria Holstein Story”

When Gloria Holstein (Tori Spelling) joins a gym to lose the 150 pounds she gained during her nasty divorce from cheating ex-husband Tom (Rick Schroeder), little does she know her Beginners Spinning class will soon turn deadly when sexy personal trainer Zax (Richard Grieco) has an attack of low blood sugar and starts tying sweaty women to the elliptical machines with their own iPod cords. Will Gloria’s untoned biceps be strong enough to fight him off? Will her heart rate get too high and cause chest pains? Or will she give in to her maddening desires and lustily spot reduce her thunder thighs on the Pilates apparatuses with Zax?

12:00 a.m. – “Seduced by Seductive Seduction”

Perfect wife Melissa Gilbert (Melissa Gilbert) thinks she has the perfect husband in Rick (Rick Schroeder). But when best friend Valerie Bertinelli (Tiffany-Amber Thiessen) posts an amateur porn video of herself shaving Rick’s private parts on MySpace, Melissa’s perfect life instantly spirals out of control. Suddenly, she loses her newborn baby in the Banana Republic Men’s section, her blind daughter becomes a Croatian prostitute and her dog is diagnosed with herpes. But can a chance encounter with high school sweetheart Jake (Rick Schroeder) restore her heart and save her from saving herself? Only Melissa knows.

2:15 a.m. Paid Programming

Wendi Aarons