The Mouth Hole
June 14th, 2007
Help! Help! Chris! Can you come downstairs? Hurry!
OK, I’m here. What’s the emergency?
You won’t believe this, but I just saw a big, black hole on the roof of Jack’s mouth! It’s the size of a pencil eraser! I’m freaking out!
What? Let me look. Jack, open your mouth. Open your mouth. OPEN YOUR MOUTH!
Open your mouth for daddy, Jack! Open up! Like this! See how mommy’s doing it? OPEN!! Say “ahhh!” Say “ahhh!” OPEN UP YOUR MOUTH NOW! IT’S A MEDICAL EMERGENCY!
Knock it off, Dr. House. It’s open already.
Good job, Jack! Oh, my poor, poor baby!
Hmm… OK, I think I see something.
Oh, my God, I was right! What is it? Is it a tumor? A hole? It IS a hole! I knew it! How the hell did he get a hole on the roof of his mouth? Has he been eating chemicals? Did he drink the Febreze? Because that stuff kind of smells appetizing, don’t you think? It’s like fruit cake in a spray! In fact, sometimes I even think about licking the couch after I’ve sprayed it, but only when I have low blood sugar and…do you think it’s congenital? Do you think it’s something his dentist should have noticed? This is horrible! We should call 911. Should we call 911? Let’s call 911. No! Let’s just go directly to the ER. We can take my car–I just got gas, which by the way, was $3.00 a damn gallon, can you believe…suitcase. I should take a suitcase, right? Do you think this means he needs surgery? Does it mean he has a disease? Does it mean he can spit out of his nose, because at least that’d get him on TV, well, reality TV, but…
Are you done?
What do you mean, am I done? Of course I’m not “done.” Our BABY, our precious little 3 1/2 year old BABY has…
Broccoli.
Um, what?
It was broccoli. On the roof of his mouth. And now, it’s gone. It’s a frickin’ medical miracle. In fact, why don’t you call CNN and tell them all about it. Ask for Wolf Blitzer.
Oh. Ha! That’s funny, isn’t it?
Not really.
OK, it’s not. But look on the bright side–at least we know he’s eating his vegetables! Right? Right? Where are you going?
Upstairs. I think I saw a red mark on the cat. Looks like scurvy.
Oh, come on. Just leave me…wait. Did you say “scurvy”?
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
5 Comments
Add your own1. noreply@blogger.com (Sans Pantaloons) | June 15th, 2007 at 11:52 am
Sealant! stat! This also works nicely for the previous telephonique posts…
2. noreply@blogger.com (Sans Pantaloons) | June 15th, 2007 at 11:53 am
With fame comes spam.
3. noreply@blogger.com (Wendi Aarons) | June 15th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
The spam is now gone. Although at least it was non-Viagra spam. Kind of refreshing, actually.
4. noreply@blogger.com (Chelsie) | June 15th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
You are a great writer!!! I’m getting a kick out of your blog posts! Please sign up for feedburner so you can offer a newsletter subscription! That way I can get your stories directly in my in-box.
Just an idea!
~Chelsie
http://chelsieswines.blogspot.com/
5. noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) | June 17th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Scurvy. My mom’s always guarding against scurvy. Every time I walk into her house she gives me fruit. When I got there this morning she said “Here, eat this kiwi.” and handed me a plate.
~Cat
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