1. Start with $10 of organic chicken breasts.
2. Plan to make baked chicken for dinner. Recipe says to dip chicken in egg whites, then coat in bread crumbs and put in oven.
3. Search frantically in pantry for container of bread crumbs. When no bread crumbs seen, substitute crushed bag of Cheese Nips found under soda bottles.
4. While chicken bakes, pat self on back for being an innovative, creative cook.
5. Proudly serve family Cheese Nip chicken entrée.
6. Remain strong when family’s disgusted comments include “Dis is yucky”, “I’d rather eat what’s in the Dustbuster” and “Were you drinking when you made this?”
7. Watch ungrateful family happily eat Cheerios and Pirate’s Booty for dinner.
8. Clean up kitchen and stare morosely at weird, orange chicken breasts that are now silently taunting you.
9. Start drinking and plotting.
10. Forcefully grab biggest knife in the kitchen.
11. Take a deep breath, raise knife over head, then hack the crap out of the goddamn chicken breasts like it’s Fight Day at the San Dimas Woman’s Correctional Facility and you’re just a few stabs away from being crowned the cell block champ.
12. Decide to make soup. While grabbing matzo ball mix from pantry, finally find container of bread crumbs. Slap it hard.
13. After soup comes to a boil, drop in matzo balls and demon chicken chunks.
14. Tell family you have a surprise for them.
15. Remain strong when family’s insensitive comments include “Who wants soup when it’s 80 degrees in here?”, “Why do I smell boiling cheese?” and “When Mommy cooks, I cry.”
16. Continue drinking.
17. Say good-night to family. Turn thermostat to 60 degrees and sit in dark room eating soup.
18. Wonder if this is how Lee Harvey Oswald started.
19. Finally give in and throw soup in garbage disposal. As Chik Nips are cruelly ground into oblivion, scream “So long sucker, see you in hell!”, then wash dishes.
20. Happily eat Cheerios and Pirate’s Booty for dinner and plan on dining out indefinitely.