Yoga Teacher:

Now step back into the next pose and hold it. Let’s stay here for eight breaths. Clear your mind.

My Mind:

Innnn. Ouuuut. Wait–is it in through the nose and out through the mouth? Or the other way around? Why the hell can I never remember that? Damn. OK, let’s try nose ouuut, mouth innnnnn…no, no, that feels wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t be using my nose. Or is it I shouldn’t be using my mouth? Or…oh, no. Is the teacher coming over here again? I knew when he left his fancy little mat the first time he was headed right for me and my CRAPASS Downward Dog pose. Which I HATE by the way. I HATE DOWNWARD DOG! There, I said it. I HAAATTTEEEE DOWNWARD FUCKING DOG!!!! Like it’s my fault I have extra-tight hamstrings. Some people just do, alright? Maybe it’s genetic…I think dad had them in the Army and…Innnn…Good, he went to help that slutty girl over there who…wait, what am I doing? Clear the mind, clear the mind. OK, innn….innnn…shit, wrong way. Ouuuttt…. Ouuuuttt…Now, how in the hell is Ms. Panty Lines over there doing a perfect Downward Dog? I’m WAY thinner than she is. Wait, wait, wait–yoga isn’t competitive, yoga isn’t competitive. But I do a totally better Warrior Two pose than she does. Fat ass. STOP THIS!! RELAX! THAT’S WHY YOU’RE HERE!! TO RELAX!!! OK OK OK! Clear mind, clear thoughts…we’re almost done…just concentrate on breathing and….Jesus, will you look at my toes? No, they’re not toes, they’re frickin’ mushrooms stapled to a foot. Hairy Vienna sausages covered in dry skin and cat dander. I’m a fucking Hobbit. I have GOT to get a pedicure this week. And those nasty nail girls better not make fun of me in Vietnamese again, either. Three words, ladies: Board of Health. Yeah, see how you like that, Thuy. Maybe then you won’t paint my toes Hooker Red and pretend you can’t read labels and…innn… ouuuttt. What? We’re done? Already? Man, I feel so blissed out. That’s why I love yoga. It just totally clears your head.

Wendi Aarons