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An Open Letter to James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Proctor and Gamble

by Wendi // March 5, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Originally published on McSweeneys.net

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Comments

  1. The Open Mic Salon: Giving Voice and Listening at BlogHer 2012 says:
    August 9, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    […] And our fabulous LTYM:Austin director Wendi Aarons sent us off with a reading of the internet sensation–her Always maxipad letter. […]

  2. Donna Heiss says:
    September 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Magnificent letter. I too stopped purchasing the product the first time I saw the words, “have a happy period”.

    I do NOT “have a happy period”. I have hemmoraging from fibroids. So you lost $50.00 a month from me.

    Put a diaper on and see how you like it. Putting that saying on those pads is like saying to every woman, Ha Ha, we are making money off your curse. I’m 51. Patients are gone. Your saying is offensive.

  3. Kathryn V says:
    October 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Freaking HIGH-larious and so very true!

  4. [ENTJ] Favorite funny/humor websites says:
    January 13, 2013 at 5:11 am

    […] […]

  5. Saturday Six #39 - Misadventures with Andi says:
    March 19, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    […] the email that seems to be going around the world since 2007! In a post referred to as “The Always Letter,” Wendi Aarons writes an imaginary letter to the brand manager of the maker of Always pads.  […]

  6. Karla says:
    April 7, 2013 at 2:25 am

    There is currently a commercial being aired for Charmin toilet paper with the slogan “enjoy the go.” I immediately thought of this letter and wondered if Wendi had anything to say about it. The “Always” letter one of my biggest laughs in life!

  7. How laughing got me started on the path to a happier life | Find a Simpler Life says:
    June 24, 2013 at 7:07 am

    […] Thank you right now to Wendi Aarons and Cakewrecks.  They also validated my vague unease with Always commercials and cupcake […]

  8. Not Your Mother’s Vagina says:
    July 31, 2014 at 6:44 am

    […] like their brand name hypnotized me into thinking that I must ALWAYS buy it. And it reminds me of this masterpiece, so how can I […]

  9. Natalia says:
    September 9, 2014 at 10:51 am

    LOL super funny! I read it to my husband while he looked at me like WTF? (I am on my 4th day of a very painful one month freaking long period… yeah… i know…sigh)
    The hubs said… what a jerk (whoever wrote the happy message), “If I made pads I would write something like; I know it sucks, hang in there” <3

  10. Foxy Wine Pocket says:
    September 9, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    I spit out my coffee at “a little F-16 in my pants.” SUCH a funny piece!

  11. eunice punice says:
    June 20, 2015 at 11:35 pm

    Nice letter. Hey. I was thinking n researching. But unable to find the adress of the always maxi pad manufacturing plant. But when the apocalypse happens that’s where I’m headed. I’ll meet ya there. I’m the asian girl named punice.

    Machette

  12. Melissa Darden says:
    July 29, 2015 at 12:52 pm

    I know this is an old post, but it just came across my face book page. Woman, you speak my mind! Fortunately I have reached a time in my life where those pads are not necessary any longer, now THAT makes me happy! But when I did see those cursed messages I freaked! I am a letter writing fool, but I never took the time to express my opinion to these idiot. Thank you for doing it for all of us! I sincerely hope this was seen by the folks at P&G and I wonder if they have made any changes. I loved “drop the hammer!”

  13. Woman Writes Hilarious Letter To Maxi Pad Company says:
    August 5, 2015 at 1:15 am

    […] [Source: Wendi Aarons] […]

  14. Saturday Six #39 - Misadventures with Andi says:
    September 25, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    […] the email that seems to be going around the world since 2007! In a post referred to as “The Always Letter,” Wendi Aarons writes an imaginary letter to the brand manager of the maker of Always pads.  […]

  15. Woman Writes This Letter To A Maxi Pad Company, And It's Absolutely PRICELESS! - Your Viral Blog says:
    November 29, 2015 at 3:36 am

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  16. Arlynn says:
    January 25, 2016 at 4:27 pm

    Wendi, I have not laughed this hard EVER! “Put down the Hammer” OMG, every time i say that i all but stop breathing from laughing so hard. Your are a true literary genius.

    I would love to read your thoughts on child rearing!

    Thank you, a true fan forevvvvvver!

  17. test says:
    March 23, 2016 at 11:16 pm

    Awesome post.

  18. Lori says:
    March 28, 2016 at 12:33 pm

    This is fantastic. I’ve been a long-time user of another brand, but should I feel compelled to switch at some point in the future I will remember to check for ridiculous or violence-inducing messaging (depending on the time of the month) prior to purchase.

    Thanks for the laughs!

  19. Upset Woman Writes A Letter To A Maxi Pad Company. This Is Pure Gold! says:
    June 2, 2016 at 1:54 am

    […] [Source: Wendi Aarons] […]

  20. Upset Woman Writes A Letter To A Maxi Pad Company. This Is Pure Gold! | Nifymag.com says:
    June 2, 2016 at 8:08 am

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  21. Upset Woman Writes A Letter To A Maxi Pad Company. This Is Pure Gold! - Czaal Viral News says:
    June 2, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    […] [Source: Wendi Aarons] […]

  22. Deb says:
    August 16, 2016 at 10:14 am

    It’s 2016 and your email I still making the rounds…I’m not sure which part I liked more…running down the beach in tight white shorts…inbred hillbilly with knife skills…or…little F16 in my pants. I do know that “happy” and “period” do NOT belong in the same sentence…unless OVER is also in it..as in “I’m so happy my period is finally over”. Kudos my dear for putting into writing what generations of women have thought!

  23. Customer Writes Hilarious Letter To P&G After Having Issues With Their Maxi Pad Product – Share Today says:
    May 28, 2017 at 9:53 am

    […] [Source: Wendi Aarons] […]

  24. Rutendo says:
    August 30, 2017 at 1:28 pm

    I’m very disappointed due the wrong packaging of always maxi pads with just normal short length pads.

  25. Holly Swift says:
    March 10, 2019 at 9:40 pm

    This letter brought a great laugh, knowing that men really don’t know what women have had to endure every 28-30 days since time began.

  26. Melanie walsh says:
    March 17, 2019 at 4:21 pm

    So here in 2019 I just read this and as a 42 year old bleeder lol..I must say why aren’t feminine products created by women…..heels…pads etc all invented by men

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