Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Originally published on McSweeneys.net
[…] And our fabulous LTYM:Austin director Wendi Aarons sent us off with a reading of the internet sensation–her Always maxipad letter. […]
Magnificent letter. I too stopped purchasing the product the first time I saw the words, “have a happy period”.
I do NOT “have a happy period”. I have hemmoraging from fibroids. So you lost $50.00 a month from me.
Put a diaper on and see how you like it. Putting that saying on those pads is like saying to every woman, Ha Ha, we are making money off your curse. I’m 51. Patients are gone. Your saying is offensive.
Freaking HIGH-larious and so very true!
[…] […]
[…] the email that seems to be going around the world since 2007! In a post referred to as “The Always Letter,” Wendi Aarons writes an imaginary letter to the brand manager of the maker of Always pads. […]
There is currently a commercial being aired for Charmin toilet paper with the slogan “enjoy the go.” I immediately thought of this letter and wondered if Wendi had anything to say about it. The “Always” letter one of my biggest laughs in life!
[…] Thank you right now to Wendi Aarons and Cakewrecks. They also validated my vague unease with Always commercials and cupcake […]
[…] like their brand name hypnotized me into thinking that I must ALWAYS buy it. And it reminds me of this masterpiece, so how can I […]
LOL super funny! I read it to my husband while he looked at me like WTF? (I am on my 4th day of a very painful one month freaking long period… yeah… i know…sigh)
The hubs said… what a jerk (whoever wrote the happy message), “If I made pads I would write something like; I know it sucks, hang in there” <3
I spit out my coffee at “a little F-16 in my pants.” SUCH a funny piece!
Nice letter. Hey. I was thinking n researching. But unable to find the adress of the always maxi pad manufacturing plant. But when the apocalypse happens that’s where I’m headed. I’ll meet ya there. I’m the asian girl named punice.
Machette
I know this is an old post, but it just came across my face book page. Woman, you speak my mind! Fortunately I have reached a time in my life where those pads are not necessary any longer, now THAT makes me happy! But when I did see those cursed messages I freaked! I am a letter writing fool, but I never took the time to express my opinion to these idiot. Thank you for doing it for all of us! I sincerely hope this was seen by the folks at P&G and I wonder if they have made any changes. I loved “drop the hammer!”
[…] [Source: Wendi Aarons] […]
[…] the email that seems to be going around the world since 2007! In a post referred to as “The Always Letter,” Wendi Aarons writes an imaginary letter to the brand manager of the maker of Always pads. […]
[…] [Source: Wendi Aarons] […]
Wendi, I have not laughed this hard EVER! “Put down the Hammer” OMG, every time i say that i all but stop breathing from laughing so hard. Your are a true literary genius.
I would love to read your thoughts on child rearing!
Thank you, a true fan forevvvvvver!
Awesome post.
This is fantastic. I’ve been a long-time user of another brand, but should I feel compelled to switch at some point in the future I will remember to check for ridiculous or violence-inducing messaging (depending on the time of the month) prior to purchase.
Thanks for the laughs!
[…] [Source: Wendi Aarons] […]
[…] [Source: Wendi Aarons] […]
[…] [Source: Wendi Aarons] […]
It’s 2016 and your email I still making the rounds…I’m not sure which part I liked more…running down the beach in tight white shorts…inbred hillbilly with knife skills…or…little F16 in my pants. I do know that “happy” and “period” do NOT belong in the same sentence…unless OVER is also in it..as in “I’m so happy my period is finally over”. Kudos my dear for putting into writing what generations of women have thought!
[…] [Source: Wendi Aarons] […]